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Improving the speed of you PC

, 19 Dec 2002
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A humorous article on tips for speeding up your PC


Too frequently developers are faced with a system that just runs too slow. Even a brand new machine can occasionally hit a bottleneck. This article will help you eliminate those bottlenecks.

Improving the perfomance of your system

To understand why your system may be slow you need to just know that your hard drive is the problem. Your hard drive is always the problem. So today's project will correct the slowness of your drive.

First are the tools you need:

You will need to travel to Bob's hardware store and get yourself 10 guage wire maybe about 2-3 feet. Of course, if you have leftover wire from your battery project, then you can use that as well.

You will need a large can of WD40. This stuff is GOOOOOOOOD. Just don't drink any or you will be in the can for days like I was.

You will need one 10-penny nail and washers.

You also need a big metal box. It must be twice the thickness of your hard drive box -- or you can just buy two hard drive boxes. You can find lots outside of the dumpster by your local CompuUSA.

The Project

Take out your hard drive and remove all wires. PIPES. It is important you have BIG pipes. (When I teach you how to build a Internet machine, you will really learn about pipes and having drinks from firehydrants) If you look at your drive wires they are teensy little things. So we will take that 10 gauge wire and make a new connector cable replacing those skinny wires with REAL MANSIZE WIRES. You can weld them into the existing connector, but I frequently melt the plastic with my blowtorch. So I suggest welding the wires directly to your drive.

To make it easier to keep track of the wires, once everything is welded in place go get your wifes iron and iron the wires until they all kind of melt together. Walla. (sorry for using french there, but it seemed appropriate) You now have a ribbon cable of manly wire that is ready to connect your machine and hard drive together for a rip-roaring good time.

Next we need to address the second cause of low speed: HEAT. Now some people take the approach of installing water coolers in their machine. EXCUSE ME! I don't know about you, but my office water cooler is HUGE. I would never be able to move my system after installing one of those suckers in my PC. (though the project does sound like fun and it seems it would involve alot of fun welding, torching, and electric kind of stuff)

Open your hard drive box. Opening it has two advantages, first we get rid of it being hemo-tetrically sealed. We don't want any hemo's in our PC. So pop that sucker right open. Remove the arm with the tiny little arms sticking out and remove all the little plasticy things. Those plasticy things are your hard drive itself. NOTICE HOW CLOSE TOGETHER THEY WERE!!!! Remember how hot you got every time you were close to Mary Lou? (Yup, even some of the women in my school got hot sitting next to Mary Lou) Well closeness means heat. We will fix that.

Remove the plactic disks from the spindle, remove the spindle, and weld a 10-penny nail in place of it with the pointy end up. Wipe each plasticy thing with a clean, cotton cloth and stick them on the nail with twice the space as before. You will also need to use your washers to reassemble your drive arm assembly spreading out the arms so that they are far apart as the plasticy things. You might have to add a few more from one of the drives you found in the trash at COMP-USA so that you have arms reading and writing on both sides of the plasticy things.

Now if you did not find a good metal box, then take that extra drive box and weld it to the other pieces of the first drive box, making sure you cut a nice size hole in the top and bottom so that you can stick the drive back in place properly. Make sure your new wire assembly sticks out and does not get crimped by the case when you close it.

Insert the drive mechanism and put lots of WD40 on the end of the disk spindle so that it twirls nicely. Get your welder and weld the box shut, cut open one of those tiny drive openings so that it is twice as fat and put your box in. Since I have all these extra screw holes (I use two drive cases) I put two braces I stole from my sons' erector set and put in four screws per position to extra hold things in place.

You can either plug in your drive (if you welded your wires to the one end connector) or weld your wires directly into the motherboard. Once the assembly is put together, turn on your machine and stand back being prepared to be amazed at what you will see.

Another hi tech article brought to you by your local hardware expert.


This article has no explicit license attached to it but may contain usage terms in the article text or the download files themselves. If in doubt please contact the author via the discussion board below.

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About the Author

Software Developer (Senior) currently : Avantia, Inc.
United States United States
I was born.

I'm currently coding.

I'll die some time in the future.

I have interests outside of programming and if you knew me then you'd know what those interests are.

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Comments and Discussions

GeneralVoilà ! Pin
Manuel Vilar26-Dec-02 15:44
sussManuel Vilar26-Dec-02 15:44 
GeneralHumorous Pin
Blake Miller24-Dec-02 4:17
memberBlake Miller24-Dec-02 4:17 
GeneralHelp! Your technique didn't work for me. Laptop doesn't boot anymore... Pin
Wesner Moise21-Dec-02 15:03
memberWesner Moise21-Dec-02 15:03 
Generalsuch garbage should be removed... Pin
Ellery Familia21-Dec-02 1:29
sussEllery Familia21-Dec-02 1:29 
GeneralRe: such garbage should be removed... Pin
derek_bartram29-Jan-08 14:31
memberderek_bartram29-Jan-08 14:31 
GeneralNot stolen Pin
theRealCondor20-Dec-02 10:52
membertheRealCondor20-Dec-02 10:52 
GeneralRe: Not stolen Pin
Christian Graus20-Dec-02 12:06
memberChristian Graus20-Dec-02 12:06 
GeneralStolen, and in the wrong spot. Pin
Christian Graus20-Dec-02 9:25
memberChristian Graus20-Dec-02 9:25 
Generalit would be funnier if you hadn't stolen it Pin
Anonymous20-Dec-02 7:29
sussAnonymous20-Dec-02 7:29 
GeneralIt seems to me that some people have NO sense of humour .... Pin
Phil.B20-Dec-02 4:44
memberPhil.B20-Dec-02 4:44 
GeneralWalla? WTF Pin
Andreas Saurwein20-Dec-02 4:05
memberAndreas Saurwein20-Dec-02 4:05 
GeneralRe: Walla? WTF Pin
Rage20-Dec-02 4:12
memberRage20-Dec-02 4:12 
GeneralWay too much time on your hands ! Pin
Maximilien20-Dec-02 3:41
memberMaximilien20-Dec-02 3:41 

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