Panic, Chaos, Destruction. My work here is done.
Drink. Get drunk. Fall over - P O'H
OK, I will win to day or my name isn't Ethel Crudacre! - DDEthel Crudacre
I cannot live by bread alone. Bacon and ketchup are needed as well. - Trollslayer
Have a bit more patience with newbies. Of course some of them act dumb - they're often *students*, for heaven's sake - Terry Pratchett
Bubba, Lester and Leroy had been to a funeral. After the service everyone was standing outside visiting for a few moments and Lester asked Leroy, "If that had been you in that coffin when folks was walking by paying their respects, what would you have wanted them to say about you?"
Leroy pondered this a moment, for the question struck him as being profound. "I think," he replied, "that I'd have wanted them to say I was a good husband, father and friend."
Lester nodded sagely and replied, "And I think I'd have wanted them to say I was a good honest man and a Christian."
Both men then turned to Bubba and Lester repeated the question. Bubba grinned broadly and replied, "I'd have wanted'em to say, 'LOOK!!! He's moving!'"
A wealthy man was dying and he wanted to take his money with him.
He had only 3 friends in the entire world: Bubba, Lester, and Leroy.
He split his money 3 ways and gave them each a substantial sum in cash.
He instructed them to toss the cash into the grave as he was being buried.
The man up and died, the 3 friends showed up for the burial and tossed packages into the grave.
Later, at a bar the 3 friends got to confessing things.
"I feel terrible" said Bubba, "but I actually kept 1,000.00 of the cash to pay for new tires for my truck and I didn't throw in the whole amount".
"I feel pretty bad as well" said Lester, "I did even worse and kept out 5,000.00 to pay for my daughter's college".
"I'm ashamed of both of you" replied Leroy, "I threw in a check for the entire amount".
Lester and Leroy are brothers, with Lester being both older and far more successful than Leroy. Their father, Aloysius, died recently. Leroy, who worked for his dad on the farm in Alabama, phoned his brother to give him the bad news.
"I'm so sorry," said Lester, "but I'm buried in meetings and I'm presently in Japan on business. You give Dad the absolute best, and just send me the bill. I'll take care of it."
A month passed, and Lester got a bill in the mail for $100. He was quite surprised at the tiny amount, but promptly sent his poor younger brother a check. The next month, he received another bill for the same amount. He assumed at this point that his good-hearted but somewhat dense brother was trying to cut him some slack on the bill by letting him pay it in installments. He sent another check and said nothing, not wishing to hurt his brother's feelings. But this process continued for several more months and he finally felt compelled to say something about it. So he phoned his brother.
Lester: "Leroy, please don't be offended but why do I keep getting these bills each month for $100?"
Leroy: "Well, you said to get Dad the best and send you the bill, right?"
Lester: "Yes, I said that."
Leroy: "So, I rented him a tuxedo."