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GeneralRe: Mechanics Question Pin
Brady Kelly19-Jan-13 1:43
memberBrady Kelly19-Jan-13 1:43 
GeneralRe: Mechanics Question Pin
OriginalGriff19-Jan-13 1:55
mvpOriginalGriff19-Jan-13 1:55 
GeneralRe: Mechanics Question Pin
Brady Kelly19-Jan-13 2:32
memberBrady Kelly19-Jan-13 2:32 
GeneralRe: Mechanics Question Pin
Jörgen Andersson19-Jan-13 3:51
memberJörgen Andersson19-Jan-13 3:51 
GeneralRe: Mechanics Question Pin
OriginalGriff19-Jan-13 4:03
mvpOriginalGriff19-Jan-13 4:03 
GeneralRe: Mechanics Question Pin
Brady Kelly19-Jan-13 4:54
memberBrady Kelly19-Jan-13 4:54 
GeneralRe: Mechanics Question Pin
Jörgen Andersson19-Jan-13 5:34
memberJörgen Andersson19-Jan-13 5:34 
GeneralRe: Mechanics Question Pin
OriginalGriff19-Jan-13 5:48
mvpOriginalGriff19-Jan-13 5:48 
When I were younger and Haynes were the only manuals we could afford (it was buy the manual or buy the parts in those days, and boy, did we need the parts...) we used to swear at the damn things. Normally for what they left out: "Reassembly is the reverse of disassembly" eh? Oh yeah, I'll just make all those ball bearings you didn't mention just back up behind the cover you told me to "remove" without mentioning the "bearing cannon spring" behind it, shall I? Mad | :mad: Or they would "leave out" one bolt of fourteen - the one on the other side, under the sump for example...

I think I've posted this here before:

How to read a Haynes manual...
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with mole grips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with mole grips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with mole grips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with mole grips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you...
Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?
Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Reassembly is the reverse of disassembly.
Translation: Yeah, right. Ever reassembled your dinner?
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with mole grips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Remove...
Translation: And don't forget the bolt underneath that we didn't mention...
Haynes: Remove carefully...
Translation: Did we mention the 200 ball bearings and that big spring?
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with mole grips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.

Now the young can know why we referred to them as "The Haynes Book Of Lies".
If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tinned pork then just delete it. It's Spam.

GeneralRe: Mechanics Question Pin
Jörgen Andersson19-Jan-13 8:22
memberJörgen Andersson19-Jan-13 8:22 
GeneralRe: Mechanics Question Pin
Jörgen Andersson19-Jan-13 8:55
memberJörgen Andersson19-Jan-13 8:55 
GeneralRe: Mechanics Question Pin
OriginalGriff19-Jan-13 9:16
mvpOriginalGriff19-Jan-13 9:16 
GeneralRe: Mechanics Question Pin
Brady Kelly19-Jan-13 4:56
memberBrady Kelly19-Jan-13 4:56 
GeneralRe: Mechanics Question Pin
Jörgen Andersson19-Jan-13 8:59
memberJörgen Andersson19-Jan-13 8:59 
GeneralWifi Question... Pin
Dalek Dave18-Jan-13 14:21
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GeneralRe: Wifi Question... Pin
Brisingr Aerowing18-Jan-13 14:26
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GeneralRe: Wifi Question... Pin
Dalek Dave18-Jan-13 14:50
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GeneralRe: Wifi Question... Pin
DaveAuld19-Jan-13 0:04
mentorDaveAuld19-Jan-13 0:04 
GeneralRe: Wifi Question... Pin
Dalek Dave19-Jan-13 0:33
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GeneralRe: Wifi Question... Pin
AspDotNetDev18-Jan-13 14:27
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GeneralRe: Wifi Question... Pin
Dalek Dave18-Jan-13 14:40
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GeneralRe: Wifi Question... Pin
PIEBALDconsult18-Jan-13 15:19
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GeneralRe: Wifi Question... Pin
SoMad18-Jan-13 16:48
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AspDotNetDev18-Jan-13 16:54
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GeneralRe: Wifi Question... Pin
SoMad18-Jan-13 17:00
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PIEBALDconsult18-Jan-13 14:34
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