I've thought about removing these posts multiple times - because I consider it not good for some people that started to "find" me here. Yet, I cannot unwrite, nor undo these things, and deleting feels like cheating myself.
So if you know me personally, and stumbled in here: read if you like. But keep in mind that by reading on you are going to see me naked. Cheesy white belly and all.
ok paul you asked but I'm not writing this for oyu - just for me, so to say
Something weird happened to me, about a month ago.
I was at a reading, Dostoyevsky's "Crocodile", rather unusual for him and his time, reminding of the (much later) "Metamorphosis" by Kafka. There were these two redhead girls, one slender, with her rich strawberry blonde eyelashes, full-yet-pale lips, and those huge shiny freckles on her white writs. The other one - larger, someone to hold, to touch, with a wild red mane. I was lost. I couldn't have decided if they asked "which one"? I suppose my attempts to keep my eyes with me were in vain, but the slender one seemed to appreciate it. Or was it just giggling about a madly grinning how-old-is-this-guy-anyway?
Two days later, the memories of the pair'o'Circes still fresh, I wondered: which one I'd like to wake up besides?
Anna. The thought was just there, clear and simple, no surprise, no "struck by lightning". The realization came slowly, like Wile E Coyote running over the edge of a cliff, and now falling freely.
Anna. Who is almost my total opposite. The one I know since ten years ago. "For ten years" would not be appropriate: she's never alone for a long time, and we rarely meet when she's not. Yet the time we spent was always something special.
Anna. Who always throws a big party when she's looking for a new man. I've been there often enough, and it wasn't the first one I helped prepare a few days before.
Being a friend has the great advantage of hearing the name of her new desire for a week, rising in occurence, then, I think when she made the decision that it is him, she changes to the last name fo a few days, before it is "My insert first name here". Being a friend has the great advantage of getting progress updates rather immediately, and I could have known pretty well in advance that her openness would squeeze my heart like a lemon.
I wish I could have told her, but before I got myself sorted out, we slipped into the "meet rarely" phase, we keep contact by mobile, but lately this is more my initiative - which is unusual for me, and a pain in any way. I simply can't tell someone "I know you have someone but I love you", much less when she, working to much and tired, takes a one hour detour to say "Hi" before falling to sleep.
She throws her birthday party on Friday, and I'll be there. Grinning madly and clouding my thoughts, as I've always done.
Being a friend has the great advantage of getting a "we did it" update within 8 hours. She just called me at work, to say "hi" - and slip it out.[/edit]
"Vierteile den, der sie Hure schimpft mit einem türkischen Säbel."
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