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TEACHER: Ryan, what is the chemical formula for water?
RYAN: H I J K L M N O
TEACHER: Ryan, what are you talking about?
RYAN: Well, yesterday you said it was H to O.
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A middle-aged man marries a younger woman but discovers that no matter what he does in bed, she won't orgasm.
So he takes the problem to his doctor who explains that maybe fantasy sex is the answer.
So the man hires a young, charming male escort and has him stand naked while waving a towel over the couple as they are having sex. They try it but to no avail.
The man goes back to his doctor who suggests trying things the opposite way around, with the escort having sex with the woman whilst the man waves the towel.
Now becoming desperate, the man gets the same escort and tries the doctor's method.
Soon the woman bursts into a great orgasm and the man throws down the towel, taps the escort on the shoulder and shouts triumphantly, "See, thats how you wave a bloody towel!"
"If you think it's expensive to hire a professional to do the job, wait until you hire an amateur." Red Adair.
nils illegitimus carborundum
me, me, me
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GOTD - Groaner of the day? +5 anyway!
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was funny anyway 
sadly, I know people who maintain this type of perspective.
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I just booked a table for our wedding anniversary but I expect the evening to end in tears. She's just not that good at snooker! 
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Author of Primary ROleplaying SysTem
How do I take my coffee? Black as midnight on a moonless night.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
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You need to stop beating her - at snooker.
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Pete O'Hanlon wrote: Now that one I like.
Thanks 
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Author of Primary ROleplaying SysTem
How do I take my coffee? Black as midnight on a moonless night.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
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Maybe she'd enjoy it if you let her play with someone else's balls for a change.
I wasn't, now I am, then I won't be anymore.
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mark merrens wrote: maybe fantasy sex is the answer.
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In Tokyo, a man accidently tore a girl's miniskirt. Before he could apologize, she bowed from the waist and said, "I am so sorry to give you trouble. The quality of my skirt is not good." Then she took out a pin, put the skirt back together, and left.
In New York City, a man accidently tore a girl's miniskirt. Before he could apologize, she gave him her lawyer's business card and said, "You'll hear from him tomorrow about this sexual harassment. See you in court."
In Taiwan, a man accidently tore a girl's miniskirt. Before he could apologize, she smiled and said, "Wait until we agree on a price before you inspect the merchandise."
In London, a man accidently tore a girl's miniskirt. Before he could apologize, she covered the torn spot and said with a blush, "Would you mind taking me home, sir? I live very close." He removed his jacket, put it over her shoulders, hailed a cab, and took her home.
In China, a man accidently tore a girl's miniskirt. Before he could apologize, she slapped him and said, "You sex maniac! Take advantage of me and I will have you sent to a labor camp."
In Paris, a man accidently tore a girl's miniskirt. Before he could apologize, she smiled and said, "If you please, a red rose could represent your apology." He bought her a rose, they went to a bar, and ended the evening in a small hotel, discussing what was inside the miniskirt.
In Korea, a man accidently tore a girl's miniskirt. Before he could apologize, she gave him a kick, saying, "I'm a second degree black belt. Do you want to die?"
In Thailand, a man accidently tore a girl's miniskirt. Before he could apologize, she said with a smile, "No worries, honey. We're all men here!"
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Author of Primary ROleplaying SysTem
How do I take my coffee? Black as midnight on a moonless night.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
modified 26-Sep-12 12:53pm.
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You forgot your line breaks. I haven't read the post yet, just thought I'd comment on it cause it looks like it's going to be suck reading through because of formatting.
(I didn't do any voting, btw... so if it gets down voted it wasn't me)
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You forgot Brazil:
"What miniskirt?"
Hmm i wonder why its doing that......ARGHS NO STOP, ROLLBACK ROLLBACK...F*** That's how i learned to "Always Backup"!!
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Mendor81 wrote: You forgot Brazil:
"What miniskirt?"
Hehe! I love Brazil. I want to go there.
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Author of Primary ROleplaying SysTem
How do I take my coffee? Black as midnight on a moonless night.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
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ihoecken wrote: Hehe! I love Brazil. I want to go there
If you've never been how do you know you love it?
"If you think it's expensive to hire a professional to do the job, wait until you hire an amateur." Red Adair.
nils illegitimus carborundum
me, me, me
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mark merrens wrote: If you've never been how do you know you love it?
I love heaven, too, and yet I wasn't there. I can love a lot of things - and love is better than hate. 
Well: But I hate hate - funny, isn't it.
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Author of Primary ROleplaying SysTem
How do I take my coffee? Black as midnight on a moonless night.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
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Just an odd thing to say: you can't possibly love something you have no experience of: you may get there and find you hate it. Might be better to say "I love the idea of going to Brazil or Heaven, but I'll reserve judgement until I've had some experience of either."
"If you think it's expensive to hire a professional to do the job, wait until you hire an amateur." Red Adair.
nils illegitimus carborundum
me, me, me
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mark merrens wrote: Just an odd thing to say: you can't possibly love something you have no experience of: you may get there and find you hate it. Might be better to say "I love the idea of going to Brazil or Heaven, but I'll reserve judgement until I've had some experience of either."
Well, to be honest: It was a joke.
No Miniskirts - because there is less clothing. I wanted to state I like the idea. Just a joke.
------------------------------
Author of Primary ROleplaying SysTem
How do I take my coffee? Black as midnight on a moonless night.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
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mark merrens wrote:
If you've never been how do you know you love it?
It has to be better than Germany. 
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So, Men are slow in apologize................
I wish I could believe there is an after life.
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A trial is taking place in Mississippi. The defendant is a sweet grandmotherly type.
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
Defense Attorney: What happened?
Little Old Woman: That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!
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gross!
If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.-John Q. Adams
You must accept one of two basic premises: Either we are alone in the universe, or we are not alone in the universe. And either way, the implications are staggering.-Wernher von Braun
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.-Albert Einstein
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Not sure why you got a 1, so I countered.
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Thanks
If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.-John Q. Adams
You must accept one of two basic premises: Either we are alone in the universe, or we are not alone in the universe. And either way, the implications are staggering.-Wernher von Braun
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.-Albert Einstein
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Indeed it is! 
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Yes, it's true. Children are expensive, but there are many ways to save money. I got another Financial Tip of the Day for you!
1. Turn of TV and all lights. Tell your children it's a hide and seek game.
2. Don't pay baby sitters! Get young couples who are thinking about having kids to "rent" yours for the evening. They get to see what it will be like, and you can get paid instead of paying for sitters.
3. Take extra napkins from fast food restaurants to save on toilet paper.
4. Raid the lost and found in various locations. Libraries, schools, and public pools, are all great places where you can pick up great items (not only for children) at a steal.
If someone has other good tips to save money, feel free to share them. 
------------------------------
Author of Primary ROleplaying SysTem
How do I take my coffee? Black as midnight on a moonless night.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
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Don't have kids?
Full-fledged Java/.NET lover, full-fledged PHP hater.
Full-fledged Google/Microsoft lover, full-fledged Apple hater.
Full-fledged Skype lover, full-fledged YM hater.
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Andrei Straut wrote: Don't have kids?
I've got a son. And it's so more favorable since I follow these tips.
------------------------------
Author of Primary ROleplaying SysTem
How do I take my coffee? Black as midnight on a moonless night.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
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Yeah, to be honest, I'm actually looking forward to having a kid too, although it won't happen for at least 5 years.
Now at least I know who I'll ask for son-raising advice 
Full-fledged Java/.NET lover, full-fledged PHP hater.
Full-fledged Google/Microsoft lover, full-fledged Apple hater.
Full-fledged Skype lover, full-fledged YM hater.
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That seems a trifle long gestation period.
Chris Meech
I am Canadian. [heard in a local bar]
In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is. [Yogi Berra]
posting about Crystal Reports here is like discussing gay marriage on a catholic church’s website.[Nishant Sivakumar]
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Thank you, I was thinking along those lines but could not come up with a quip.
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5. Need a pause? To the front door, open it and yell up to their rooms "Hey yo, There is a hot air balloon really low!". Wait until all kids are outside and close the door. (*)
6. Kids are not staying in the bed? Tell them there actually IS the boogie man under the bed waiting for them to step out.
(*) My brother always did that for April's fool - each year. It worked each time and now he's playing that trick on his kids.
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ihoecken wrote: Take extra napkins from fast food restaurants to save on toilet paper
When I am so low as to do that, please shoot me.
~RaGE();
I think words like 'destiny' are a way of trying to find order where none exists. - Christian Graus
Do not feed the troll ! - Common proverb
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Rage wrote: Take extra napkins from fast food restaurants to save on toilet paper
Nope, that would be a waste of bullets. There must be another solution to get rid of you. An Axe for example...
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Author of Primary ROleplaying SysTem
How do I take my coffee? Black as midnight on a moonless night.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
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The cost of the grindstone to bring the axe back into useable shape, along with the cost of cleaning supplies to make the disposal area sanitary again should seriously be considered.
It would be so much more cost-effective to point your finger at him, say "bang", and have him play dead on the ground until he actually dies.
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I have seen people steal the toilet paper.
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I've done that before.
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A husband and wife decided they needed to use “code” to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter”.
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.” The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, “Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.”
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, “Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.”
SignatureNotFoundException
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ugh, boo
If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.-John Q. Adams
You must accept one of two basic premises: Either we are alone in the universe, or we are not alone in the universe. And either way, the implications are staggering.-Wernher von Braun
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.-Albert Einstein
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How about this one:
A Husband and Wife agreed that anytime they want to have sex, they will call it a ?PHONE CALL? so that the kids will not decode…
One day they had a fight and wife stopped talking to the husband and they were talking to each other thru kids.
The husband said to his son – “Tell your mom that Daddy wants to make a phone call”.
Mother replies: “Tell your dad that the Network is down today”.
Dad replies: “Tell your mom that if there is no Network at home, I will go to a Public Phone?.
Mother said to her son – “Tell your dad, if he dare go to a Public Phone, I will open a Call Center at home.
I wish I could believe there is an after life.
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what filthy joke, Like!
dev
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Quote: “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.”
"Tell your daddy that there is an oil leak in the typewriter."
That's what I've heard
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krumia wrote: "Tell your daddy that there is an oil leak in the typewriter."
That's what I've heard
I guess that's what happens when appliances aren't properly maintained
Full-fledged Java/.NET lover, full-fledged PHP hater.
Full-fledged Google/Microsoft lover, full-fledged Apple hater.
Full-fledged Skype lover, full-fledged YM hater.
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... really putting a damper on my day.
If it moves, compile it
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Do we live in the same earth?
I wish I could believe there is an after life.
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Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table.
The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat.
"I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says.
The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.
She asks the middle child what he wants.
"Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says.
She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away.
Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast.
"I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."
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If it moves, compile it
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The "Financial Tip of the Day":
If you can't afford your annual health check-up, just go to the airport. You'll get a free X-ray and breast exam. And, if you mention al-Qaeda, you'll also get a free colonoscopy!
------------------------------
Author of Primary ROleplaying SysTem
How do I take my coffee? Black as midnight on a moonless night.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
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Only problem is if they find something you're liable to go to prison. 
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