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One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.
The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, and the third one's arm was too short to reach.
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A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father", answered the mother, "I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come
to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
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Two guys where walking down the street when they saw two dogs humping.
One said, "I wonder how much liquor it would take to get my wife to do it that way".
So they made a bet of 10 bucks on whose wife would do it on the lease amount of liqour.
After a week they met in a bar.
"Well", said the first guy "How much liquor did it take".
"A pint of whiskey", replied the other guy.
The first guy said "You win, It took me a whole bottle just to get her out in the yard."
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He heard the ref was blowing fowls.
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Shouldn't it be the rooster then?
Why can't I be applicable like John? - Me, April 2011
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Beidh ceol, caint agus craic againn - Seán Bán Breathnach
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Da mihi sis crustum Etruscum cum omnibus in eo!
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Just because a thing is new don’t mean that it’s better - Will Rogers, September 4, 1932
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Speaking of which[^]
Why can't I be applicable like John? - Me, April 2011
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Beidh ceol, caint agus craic againn - Seán Bán Breathnach
-----
Da mihi sis crustum Etruscum cum omnibus in eo!
-----
Just because a thing is new don’t mean that it’s better - Will Rogers, September 4, 1932
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Not bad 
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A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "Today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?" the man asked.
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.. Some things you just can't explain..!!"
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Good one ...
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golfers are excited about sex. Aren't they looking for 9/18 holes and not 1, 2 or 3?
"Bastards encourage idiots to use Oracle Forms, Web Forms, Access and a number of other dinky web publishing tolls.", Mycroft Holmes[ ^]
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d@nish wrote: If wonder if golfers are excited about sex
What a ridicules question. You can either have sex or golf. Not both. 
------------------------------
Author of Primary ROleplaying SysTem
How do I take my coffee? Black as midnight on a moonless night.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
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Once a man was having sex with his friends wife in her bedroom ,
To the Suprise , the friend suddenly enter the bedroom and was shocked to see his wife sleeping naked and his best friend on her , he asked
" What on the earth are you doing in my bedroom ,on my bed with my Wife."
The wife replied , "ohh ur friend is listening to the music" ,shocked by the answer , husband asked how he is doing it , she said
" Simple , take your ears to my breast and u will hear the music"
The husband did the same but didnt heard anything , he said , i cant hear the music " when suddendly the friend replied , "OHH got it , u havent plugged in "
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Do you have weak eyesight?
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Posting using Note 2 , i guess that the problem
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Sorry about the rude response.
What's Note 2? Just type in the text area (or paste as-is) and everything will be fine.
BTW I didn't downvote your original post (even though I didn't think it particularly amusing)
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~RaGE();
I think words like 'destiny' are a way of trying to find order where none exists. - Christian Graus
Do not feed the troll ! - Common proverb
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An elderly man was having a calm walk when he happens to pass a brothel.
One of the prostitutes calls out: "Hey Grandpa! Why don't you try?"
The old man replies: "No, my child, I cannot!"
The prostitute: "Cheer up!!! Let us try!!!"
The elderly man enters and performs like a 25 year old.
The prostitute says: "Oh Gosh! And you still say you cannot!"
The old man replies: "Aaah, sex I can, what I cannot is pay!"
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The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's.
Directions to the doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter
the trailer park."
The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
The only proctologist lists his address as Roto-rooter.
The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.
Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill.
Preventive Care Coverage includes 'an apple a day.'
Your Prozac comes in colors and has little M's on each pill.
The only 100% covered expense is embalming.
Your Viagra prescription includes a popsicle stick and some duct tape.
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When you visit the dentist, there are vise grips and needle nose pliers on the tool tray. 
Chris Meech
I am Canadian. [heard in a local bar]
In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is. [Yogi Berra]
posting about Crystal Reports here is like discussing gay marriage on a catholic church’s website.[Nishant Sivakumar]
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You've been to my dentist I see.
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A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half of the picture.
He is really worried when he realizes that he has sent the wrong half. But then he remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says:
"Thank you for the picture. You should change your hair style... it makes your nose look too short"
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No, not a joke but yesterday's hospital visit and I'm not sure KS is ready for this.
As I entered the consulting room I knew it was going to be a nasty meeting. The doctor, a kindly soul, was fecking huge. Probably played prop and had hands like fecking bunches of bananas.
As we went through the consultation, I couldn't get out of my mind the size of his fecking hands. As I said huge.
And yes there was an examination, and yes he did a cavity search, and yes it was with his finger, and YES IT FECKING WELL HURT!
I am to go back in a couple of weeks when I'll get the full colonoscopy.
Proctologists are a PITA.
Panic, Chaos, Destruction. My work here is done.
Drink. Get drunk. Fall over - P O'H
OK, I will win to day or my name isn't Ethel Crudacre! - DD Ethel Crudacre
I cannot live by bread alone. Bacon and ketchup are needed as well. - Trollslayer
Have a bit more patience with newbies. Of course some of them act dumb - they're often *students*, for heaven's sake - Terry Pratchett
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Nagy Vilmos wrote: colonoscopy
I didn't understand why you were so worried about the size of his fingers until I read this word
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as long as you don't suddenly realize that both of his hands are on your shoulders as he is in the middle of the exam 
Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder
Be careful which toes you step on today, they might be connected to the foot that kicks your butt tomorrow.
You can't scare me, I have children.
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Could be worse - did you see Hugh Grant on Top gear talking about his visit to the proctologist?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAjOFU_SivM[^] - check out around 5 minutes in.
If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tinned pork then just delete it. It's Spam.
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Nagy Vilmos wrote: Proctologists are a PITA.
Literally.
~RaGE();
I think words like 'destiny' are a way of trying to find order where none exists. - Christian Graus
Do not feed the troll ! - Common proverb
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The IBM salesman and the IBM system analyst went to spend a weekend in the forest, hunting bear.
They hired a log cabin, and when they got there, took their backpacks off and put them inside.
At which point the salesman said to the systems analyst: "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
The analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat outside to await events. He did not have to wait too long.
Soon he could hear noises in the forest. The noises got nearer - and suddenly there was the salesman, running across the clearing
toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and most ferocious Brown Bears the analyst had ever seen.
"Open the door!" shouted the salesman. The analyst opened the door. The salesman ran to the door, suddenly stopped, and stepped
aside.
The Bear carried by its momentum, continued though the door and disappeared inside.
The salesman promptly shut the door on it, turned, looked at the analyst, and said:
"Ok, you skin that one while I go rustle us up another."
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Unfortunately this video is not available in my country...
This sh|t happens the second time to me this week here :(
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Unfortunately no luck...
Anyway, thanks Richard but don't worry, I'll get a clean view when I am at home 
Have a great weekend
Andy
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"It's only a stick if it don't come back"
If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tinned pork then just delete it. It's Spam.
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A few years back, a Jewish mother got a phone call she thought she would never get from her gay son: "Mom, I've met a wonderful girl, I'm going straight, and we're going to get married."
Mom was overjoyed, but just couldn't believe her luck. "I suppose it's too much to ask that she's Jewish."
"Mom, not only is she Jewish, but she comes from a wealthy and prominent Beverly Hills family."
Mom was beside herself with joy. "You don't know how happy you've made me! What's her name?" "Monica Lewinsky." Mom was silent for a moment. "Whatever happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating?"
------------------------------
Author of Primary ROleplaying SysTem
How do I take my coffee? Black as midnight on a moonless night.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
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A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."
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It might be a bit late as I already read some of your posts.
But after reading our signature, it might be the language barrier that I might suffer from beeing a non native speaker, now I can't get the picture of a robot that is grinding and polishing (me) out of my head...
modified 16 Nov '12 - 8:58.
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A women had 3 daughter , and all 3 decided to get married on the same day.
The mother was concerned about their sex lifes after marriage and called her daugthers one day before marriage and told them
"Listen here my dear daughters , all the life i cared for you and now since you are getting married , i am really worried about your sex life after marriage, to my own satisfcation , i want you girls to update me how is your sex life coming up after marriage"
Confused by there mothers wierd concern , they told , they can do that ,but can't talk openly when our husbands are around and so will Message you with some code word of any Product , you can go and find out the Tag Line for that product. for example " Nike " Impossible is nothing". They all agreed and next day her 3 daughter got married and went to their respective husbands home.
After 1 week , the elder daughter message her :" Kings Cigar ", the mother looked for tag line for it and was happy "Big Size , King Size"
After another one week , the second daughter message her " Nescafe Coffee " the mother did the same and was happy , the tag line was " Satisfaction till last drop"
weeks past by ,but there was no reply from third daughter and finally after one full year she message "British Airways" , the mother looked for tag line and fainted ...
The tag line was " 7 Days a week , 30 days a month , 365 days a year , both ways"
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Did this joke really need the big tag?
2A
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Excellent example of a rhetorical question.
Chris Meech
I am Canadian. [heard in a local bar]
In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is. [Yogi Berra]
posting about Crystal Reports here is like discussing gay marriage on a catholic church’s website.[Nishant Sivakumar]
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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
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Brilliant!
"Bastards encourage idiots to use Oracle Forms, Web Forms, Access and a number of other dinky web publishing tolls.", Mycroft Holmes[ ^]
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Thank you, d@nish
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Thank you,
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A grungy old lumberjack, in town for the first time in weeks, went to the local brothel and demanded the roughest, toughest and meanest girl in the house.
"That'll be Mary," said the madam. "Go to Room Four, and I'll send her up."
"Fine, "said the lumberjack," and tell her to bring a couple of beers."
In due time, Mary appeared. She put the two bottles of beer on the floor, took off her negligee, positioned herself on her hands and knees and pointed to her pussy.
"No! No!" exclaimed the lumberjack. "In the bed, the old-fashioned way!"
"Sure, pal," grunted Mary, "but I thought ya might want to open them beers first."
"If you think it's expensive to hire a professional to do the job, wait until you hire an amateur." Red Adair.
nils illegitimus carborundum
me, me, me
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The night before the election, a very confident Mitt Romney bragged to his wife Ann, "This time tomorrow night, you'll be sleeping with the President of the United States."
After Mitt's concession speech, they head to bed.
Ann was getting undressed when she asked, "So how does this work? Is Barack coming over here or am I supposed to go over there..???"
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The three stages of marital sex:
Honeymoon sex: This is where you have sex three or four times a night.
Vacation sex: This is where you have sex ten or twelve times a year.
Oral sex: This is where you stand on the opposite side of the room from your spouse and yell "f*** YOU."
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A fellow from the city was driving through the country one day when he came upon a quaint farmhouse alongside of the road - and there was even a farmer standing out front. So the city boy decided to stop and talk to the farmer.
"Good morning, sir," he said, "I was driving by, admiring the country, 'cause I'm a city boy, and I couldn't help but notice that you have a field full of cows on your farm. Now I've lived in the city all my life and I've never tried any fresh country milk. If it's all right with you, I'd like to try some fresh country milk from your cows."
The farmer replied, "Son, those are bulls! You don't get milk from bulls!!"
And the city boy said, "But I won't hurt your cows. All I want to do is to try some fresh country milk."
The farmer had to try again, "Son, those are BULLS!! You don't get milk from BULLS!!!"
But the city boy persisted, "Really, I won't hurt your COWS! I just want to try some fresh country milk!!"
So the farmer reluctantly gave in, "Son, knock yourself out."
In a half an hour the city boy returned from the fields carrying a pail of fresh country milk. The farmer scratched his head and started to speak, but the city boy jumped in with, "You know, while I was out in the field getting this lovely fresh country milk, I saw a fence covered with honeysuckles. And you know, I've been city boy all my life and I've never had any fresh country honey. If it's all right with you, I'd like to try some fresh country honey from your honeysuckles."
And the farmer replied, "Son, honeysuckles are flowers. You get honey from bees."
But the city boy persisted, "I won't hurt your flowers. I just want to try some fresh country honey."
So the farmer tried again, "Son, honey comes from BEES!"
But the city boy was adamant, "Really, I won't hurt your FLOWERS! I just want to try some fresh country honey!!"
And the farmer reluctantly gave in again, "Son, be my guest."
In a half an hour the city boy boy returned with 2 mason jars full of honey. The farmer scratched his head harder than before and started to speak. Just then the city boy said, "You know, I'm a city boy - been a city boy all my life. Now while I was out getting some of that fresh country honey, I noticed that you have a field full of pussy willows ..."
"Son," interrupted the farmer, "let me get my hat."
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