|You remind me of my pinky toe because sooner or later I know I'll bang you on a table.
I've got this life changing appointment at the bank this afternoon. I'm so nervous I can hardly get the stocking over my head.
Me and my recliner go way back.
I can hear music coming out of the printer. I think the paper's jammin' again.
What time do you go to a dentist?
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher? He couldn't control his pupils
Have you heard of the new movie called "Constipation"? It hasn't come out yet
What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologise
I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet.
Diarrhea is hereditory; it runs in your jeans.
Wind turbines. I'm a huge fan.
Ever had sex while camping? It's ****ing intents.
A farmer had a wooden tractor, with wooden wheels and a wooden engine. And guess what... IT WOODEN GO!
There's a new type of broom out. It's sweeping the nation
What do you call a cow with no legs? Grounded beef
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? NACHO CHEESE
I'd hate to be a midget chef. The steaks are too high.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
Just got back from a very emotional wedding, even the cake was in tiers.
I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
People think I'm weird because I swallowed an abacus. It's what's inside that counts.
Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.
I see you have graph paper, you must be plotting something.
Newton's third law of emotion: for every male action, there is a female overreaction!
I heard a guy complaining about how expensive his wedding is. He's going to be pissed when he finds out how much the divorce is going to cost.
I have sexdaily. I mean dyslexia. ****!
I swear medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
My girlfriend left me because of my addiction to steroids. So I threw her car into a tree.