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Wife: Honey! Go to the store and get 2 gallons of milk.
If they have avocados get 6.
Husband returns home.
Wife: What are you doing with 6 gallons of milk?
Husband: They had avocados.
For our anniversary, I told my wife:
I will get you diamonds.
Nothing would please me more, she said.
Well, Ok then.
Just heard the news that some guy was stealing wheels off of police cars.
The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
"A little time, a little trouble, your better day"
Badfinger
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I can see you're gonna fit in really well around here!
The difficult we do right away...
...the impossible takes slightly longer.
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thanx
"A little time, a little trouble, your better day"
Badfinger
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I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I try to make friends
but I just can't get the DNA sequencing right.
"A little time, a little trouble, your better day"
Badfinger
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Did no one tell you life was gonna be that way?!?!
If you can't laugh at yourself - ask me and I will do it for you.
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This kind of frustration is why I eventually moved to witchcraft.
To err is human. Fortune favors the monsters.
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I knew it! 
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I didn't think I would get these reactions. It is just a play on words joke.
"A little time, a little trouble, your better day"
Badfinger
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Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar.
Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says "How's the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder says "Not too bad, the latest album's gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it's pretty good".
"By the way, how's the golf?" Nicklaus replies "Not too bad. I'm not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that worked out now". "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right" says Stevie.
"You play golf!?" asks Jack. Stevie says "Yes, I've been playing for years".
"But I thought you're blind! How can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks. "I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again, I play the ball towards his voice" explains Stevie.
"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered. "Well" says Stevie "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice".
Nicklaus says "What is your handicap?" "I play off scratch" Stevie assures Jack.
Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie "We must play a game sometime". Wonder replies "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole".
Nicklaus thinks it over and says "Okay, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?" "I don't care. Any night next week is fine with me".
To err is human. Fortune favors the monsters.
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groan sound
"A little time, a little trouble, your better day"
Badfinger
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I didn't think that orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.
"A little time, a little trouble, your better day"
Badfinger
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Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles where chatting about how much discrimination they experienced due to their handicap.
"But I guess it could have been worse", Stevie says, "We could have been coloreds!"
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Stevie Wonder => Have you seen my wife lately?
Answer => No
Stevie Wonder => neither have I
Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming “Wow! What a Ride!" - Hunter S Thompson - RIP
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Yes drummer Alan White dies aged 72[^]
I am bummed, a great drummer. 
"the debugger doesn't tell me anything because this code compiles just fine" - random QA comment
"Facebook is where you tell lies to your friends. Twitter is where you tell the truth to strangers." - chriselst
"I don't drink any more... then again, I don't drink any less." - Mike Mullikins uncle
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jeron1 wrote: Yes drummer Alan White dies aged 72[^]
I have one thing to say: Nooooo!!
The difficult we do right away...
...the impossible takes slightly longer.
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jeron1 wrote: I am bummed
In the UK that has a 'hole' different meaning.
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obermd wrote: It's getting crowded.
Unfortunately.
"the debugger doesn't tell me anything because this code compiles just fine" - random QA comment
"Facebook is where you tell lies to your friends. Twitter is where you tell the truth to strangers." - chriselst
"I don't drink any more... then again, I don't drink any less." - Mike Mullikins uncle
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Altering
“Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.”
― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather
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