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OriginalGriff wrote: after one whole hour of "0KB downloaded" (but the disk / network usage being 90%+ in Resource Monitor) it's just started installing the first update now...
That's exactly what I had - one hour of "0KB downloaded", followed by four hours of installing.
"These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined."
- Homer
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I think it was written by the same guy who did the Windows File Copy Dialog... 
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
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"Your computer must be restarted..."
And one I've not seen before: "Your computer will be restarted in 2 days if you don't restart now"
Holy Moley! 2 days? 
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
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OriginalGriff wrote: "Your computer will be restarted in 2 days if you don't restart now"
Does it have a count down? Or will it still say the same in 1 day and 23 hours?
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The toughts-and-events chain from "My Dolphin is gone" to "Let's click on Restore factory settings and ignore all warnings" must be quite interesting to trace back.
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I wish I could... 
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
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OriginalGriff wrote: hopefully including an update to 8.1
The upgrade to 8.1 isn't available via Windows Update; you have to install it from the App Store.
I suspect you'll get yet another load of updates to install once you've upgraded. 
"These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined."
- Homer
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Yeah - I noticed. But you have to upgrade at least parts of 8.0 first in order to upgrade to 8.1. 
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
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I do hope you are going to image it before you give it back to her! 
Life is like a s**t sandwich; the more bread you have, the less s**t you eat.
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And replace the dolphin with an image of himself.
The language is JavaScript. that of Mordor, which I will not utter here
This is Javascript. If you put big wheels and a racing stripe on a golf cart, it's still a f***ing golf cart.
"I don't know, extraterrestrial?"
"You mean like from space?"
"No, from Canada."
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With a balloon caption (Do NOT restore!)
Life is like a s**t sandwich; the more bread you have, the less s**t you eat.
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Good luck, and I hope it goes better than the cluster-elephant I ran into while upgrading a copy of my current win7 install to 8.1 in preparation to moving to a newly built box. 3 of the win8 patches refused to install; and when the barfed they backed everything I tried to install out (a much slower process than the installs themselves where) and forced a redownload of them all, all the while helpfully refusing to indicate which of the patches barfed. It ended up taking a full Saturday of installing patches about a dozen at a time so that *when* I found a problematic one I could bisect which one it was in a reasonable amount of time. After I got ~95% done, going down the list I was finally able to install the win 8.1 update.
If you run into problems, I'd suggest trying the opposite of what I did and start at the bottom of the list (oldest patches first), hopefully once you get patched to when 8.1 was released it'll let you download that from the store without pulling all the post 8.1 patches for 8.0 first. I only had to install a handful OS patches after pulling down 8.1 from the store; it appears that MS is updating the version they push through the app store regularly. I did however have to reinstall about ~40 .net 3.5.x and 4.5.x patches again after upgrading from 8 to 8.1.
Did you ever see history portrayed as an old man with a wise brow and pulseless heart, waging all things in the balance of reason?
Is not rather the genius of history like an eternal, imploring maiden, full of fire, with a burning heart and flaming soul, humanly warm and humanly beautiful?
--Zachris Topelius
Training a telescope on one’s own belly button will only reveal lint. You like that? You go right on staring at it. I prefer looking at galaxies.
-- Sarah Hoyt
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Wow... maybe I'll just stay with Windows 7 for another few years. 
Contrary to popular belief, nobody owes you anything.
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Well, you've got just under 5 years left till end of life[^]. I'm upgrading now because the switch to a new box means an upgrade glitch doesn't turn into a show stopper; and because despite MS's promises that it'll just work, I'm very leery of the claim that I'll be able to upgrade directly from 7 to 10 later this year.
Did you ever see history portrayed as an old man with a wise brow and pulseless heart, waging all things in the balance of reason?
Is not rather the genius of history like an eternal, imploring maiden, full of fire, with a burning heart and flaming soul, humanly warm and humanly beautiful?
--Zachris Topelius
Training a telescope on one’s own belly button will only reveal lint. You like that? You go right on staring at it. I prefer looking at galaxies.
-- Sarah Hoyt
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It's currently downloading the second set of 8.0 patches (1.3GB this time) before it'll even think of downloading 8.1 from the store...
And !Bugger! I've still got to remove the McAfee that comes preinstalled, and it has put back on...
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
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OriginalGriff wrote: I've still got to remove the McAfee that comes preinstalled, and it has put back on...
Don't forget to run the McAfee removal tool[^] after uninstalling it to make sure it's actually uninstalled.
How to uninstall or re-install supported McAfee products using the Consumer Products Removal tool[^]
Then use Autoruns[^] to check whether the removal tool has managed to remove itself. I was still seeing crashes from a randomly-named exe in the Windows temp directory, which turned out to be the removal tool trying to remove itself on startup.
"These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined."
- Homer
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I was considering this[^] McAfee removal tool, but I guess I'll only get complaints...
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
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Sounds like you're having better luck than I did anyway. Not sure what my totals were since the reboot after each incremental barf triggered a refresh of the list adding to the available patches before I cleared the first set.
Did you ever see history portrayed as an old man with a wise brow and pulseless heart, waging all things in the balance of reason?
Is not rather the genius of history like an eternal, imploring maiden, full of fire, with a burning heart and flaming soul, humanly warm and humanly beautiful?
--Zachris Topelius
Training a telescope on one’s own belly button will only reveal lint. You like that? You go right on staring at it. I prefer looking at galaxies.
-- Sarah Hoyt
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When all is fixed: Consider the possibility to take an image of her system's drive using an external drive and a utility like Acronis. Acronis can take the image, but it also can create bootable media on a CD or USB drive, which you can later use to restore the drive to a previous image. Restoring an image takes about 15 minutes or so, compared to hours of work to rebuild the system. If your external drive is a Western Digital product, you can get a free WD version of Acronis from the WD website.
I also maintain Windows machines for a number of family members and Acronis has saved me days of frustrating effort on a number of occasions.
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OriginalGriff wrote: Am I on Candid Camera or something?
I was thinking the same thing yesterday. My wife's all-in-one with Win8.1 had me yelling expletives yesterday, and I still don't have it fixed. It just freezes either during startup or shortly after...no mouse input, no keyboard input, no touchscreen input. The only way out is a hard shutdown, which I must have done over a dozen times yesterday. 
The only restore point was about 10 days ago, and I was able to get it back to that state OK, and it seemed to be fine for about 5 minutes, then it froze again at which point I walked away from it. It appears to be a driver issue, so I'll try safe mode next. If that fails, I'll be restoring it back to factory settings with Win8.0 and rebuilding it.
Also frustrating is the fact that it refuses to boot from a CD despite changing the BIOS and making sure that the CD will boot on another system!
As much as I hate working on other people's stuff, it's still better than having to work on mine!
"Go forth into the source" - Neal Morse
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I would at least send her a bill stating that an acceptable payment will be in fine food and beverage.
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"Mary, I'm just having one more pint with the lads. If I'm not home in 20 minutes, read this message again"
grabbing my coat...
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Just posted it to my wife. 
Once you lose your pride the rest is easy.
In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you. – Buddha
Simply Elegant Designs JimmyRopes Designs
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I hope your wife's name is Mary or you have changed it in message.
If not, you're doomed...
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