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For research purposes only of course. 
"the debugger doesn't tell me anything because this code compiles just fine" - random QA comment
"Facebook is where you tell lies to your friends. Twitter is where you tell the truth to strangers." - chriselst
"I don't drink any more... then again, I don't drink any less." - Mike Mullikins uncle
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What a performance review is?
Skipper: We'll fix it.
Alex: Fix it? How you gonna fix this?
Skipper: Grit, spit and a whole lotta duct tape.
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4 simple words:
SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!
There are two types of people in this world: those that pronounce GIF with a soft G, and those who do not deserve to speak words, ever.
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And then that one simple counter-question, "why?" 
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Sander Rossel wrote: any tips on what (not) to say?
Don't be Peter[^].
"These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined."
- Homer
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When they hired me last year they asked me the same question, I answered "ideally, in your chair"
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So you should ask him if he called you because he finally cleared his chair for you 
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't. — Lyall Watson
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Aw, things like "how the elephant would you measure that" come to mind.. 
Bastard Programmer from Hell 
If you can't read my code, try converting it here[^]
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Lines of code, used RAM, processor cycles...? 
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Never say this: Looking at how demanding you are, I love my wife a little more than I used to.
"You'd have to be a floating database guru clad in a white toga and ghandi level of sereneness to fix this goddamn clusterfuck.", BruceN[ ^]
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If by wife you mean cat I could get behind that 
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Hey Phrasing! 
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Whoops... 
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I don't understand the concept.
If your performance isn't up to par, why should you wait 'til a yearly review to bring it up.
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True, and I don't.
I'm guessing it'll be something like "you write good code, but we'd appreciate it if you came to the office a little earlier."
And then we'll talk about my salary.
So I'll mostly be defending why my salary should be higher than that of our king
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That might turn into a discussion on whether the King is worthy of a salary at all. 
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Do you have any metrics that you were suppose to meet?
Is the company in good shape financially?
If not then you maybe in for a surprise when they tell you how you haven't performed up to the expected level.
Do you put your 50 hours a week in for the man?
No, Then your not taking your work seriously.
Is this the first performance review?
A guy I worked with had all the work he did documented and would bring in a stack of paper.
In the end its just a job.
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Roger165 wrote: Do you have any metrics that you were suppose to meet?
Nope, just do my job
Roger165 wrote: Is the company in good shape financially?
Yep
Roger165 wrote: Do you put your 50 hours a week in for the man?
I strictly work the 40 hours I signed for unless I'm getting overtime.
Roger165 wrote: Is this the first performance review?
It is for this company.
All went well by the way, just as I expected
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"Performance reviews" are an excuse not to provide meaningful feedback on your performance "during" the previous year.
At review time, while one may think one performed well, there are any number of patterns and incidents where:
a) You believed you were right because ...
b) You don't remember the event
c) If someone had pointed it out you could've ...
d) You didn't get to air your version
e) etc.
One should be "reviewed" (praised / corrected) throughout the year; not once a year at a "review time".
(Everyone with a dog knows there's no point reprimanding the dog more than 2 seconds after the event).
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Actually it went pretty well
When my manager has a problem with me he likes to tell me right away, the performance review was more of a summary
He also gives compliments where due. I've heard him say "that's awesome!" and "very nice!" and "well done!" a lot more often than bad comments
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Good for you. Just remember that once you're the "boss".
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I don't get it. The job of a boss, manager, lead, whatever you call it, is to get the best out of his people.
All I'm getting here is that they make your life miserable, always acting upon the first change they get to get you.
Are managers really that bad at managing?
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Managers are only "good" or "bad" if one has experienced both. Some of us have.
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Performance reviews are a ritual meant to put you in your place. Despite pretense, PRs are not objective. They are rather an annual signal about how well your manager likes you. At a really top-rate company, you'd get continuous feedback from your manager and PRs would be unneeded. At other companies, it's a chance for your manager to retaliate for anything you did to annoy them, from being late on an impossible deadline to questioning their authority by suggesting alternative ideas. They can bring up stuff that happened years ago, or focus just on stuff they remember from the last couple months.
This can be frustrating, because sometimes there is useful feedback in a performance review. If you can detach, you can learn things that will help you work better with your colleagues. You can't completely blow off performance reviews. You have to take them seriously. But they're deeply, unrecoverably awful.
If you are both a superstar developer and an obsequious brown-noser, your performance review will go splendidly, because that's what bosses like. Show any spirit and nine bosses out of ten will retaliate. The Japanese apparently have a saying, "The nail that sticks up, gets hammered down." Here in the US we're supposed to be a meritocracy. I've worked in meritocratic companies with very nurturing managers. But meritocracy is a weak cultural impulse. You're always at the mercy of your manager. If they hire on a pointy-haired boss (I'm talking to YOU, Charlie), that tradition of meritocratic reward can evaporate.
Take a minute to get calm and detached before the review. Remind yourself not to react. Say, "Yes sir" and "Thank you sir". Don't whine to your buddies after ('cause that totally gets back to the boss). Let it out at home, where hopefully there's somebody who actually loves you. Remember, it's not about you. It's about your place in the hierarchy.
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