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I just had a "I am callings you about your computer" virus scammer on the phone. It was too much fun.
I am sure not one response came out of my mouth without at least two from F* C* B* W* plus a few choice Hungarianisms referring to God's Horse, its appendage, and what it should do to him and where. A sailor would've blushed. MM would've blushed!
I have not had 15 minutes of pure unadulterated fun like that since the banned pauper baiting.
Eejit: What is your computer name?
Me: If you're such a [REDACTED] clever [REDACTED], why don't you [REDACTED] tell me?
Eejit: It is called 'windowscomputer'
Me: No you [REDACTED], it [REDACTED] is not called wondows [REDACTED] computer.
Me: Come on you SFB, what's the [REDACTED] MAC address you [REDACTED] son of W?
Eejit: It is 127.0.0.1
Me: You [REDACTED] moron, that's the [REDACTED] local host loopback [REDACTED] IP address, not the [REDACTED] MAC address, do you not know what a [REDACTED] MAC address is you [REDACTED]?
Eejit: You have a Windows computer
[...]
The conversation went on like this until Eejit finally hung up on me. I wonder why?
veni bibi saltavi
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I find that "can you just stay on the line while I interface with your company payroll system?"
Followed by copious typing and muttering about easy passwords, account numbers, and such like gets rid of them pretty quickly... 
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
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I was shocked that he didn't hang up immediately as when I realised what the call was I gave him a direct FOAD. Twice.
But he persevered so I decided to see how obscene I could get and the answer was very.
veni bibi saltavi
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"If it's not in your script, just start again from the top"
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
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I had one like that.
He called me "a [REDACTED] smart-[REDACTED]"
I said "I may be a [REDACTED] smart-[REDACTED], but you are still a [REDACTED] scammer!"
He took the hint at that point (he had persisted for 15 minutes).
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Oooh, I need to try that one... Wish I got these kind of calls...
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That'd require letting unknown numbers not go direct to voicemail. 
Did you ever see history portrayed as an old man with a wise brow and pulseless heart, waging all things in the balance of reason?
Is not rather the genius of history like an eternal, imploring maiden, full of fire, with a burning heart and flaming soul, humanly warm and humanly beautiful?
--Zachris Topelius
Training a telescope on one’s own belly button will only reveal lint. You like that? You go right on staring at it. I prefer looking at galaxies.
-- Sarah Hoyt
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It is unfair...I never had the opportunity for such pleasure...
Skipper: We'll fix it.
Alex: Fix it? How you gonna fix this?
Skipper: Grit, spit and a whole lotta duct tape.
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Consider your self lucky. I have had these calls wake me up in the morning (not a good thing to do!) and also when I was rushing to get stuff out of the door. Only once did I have fun...
"Sir are you in front of your computer",
"Why Yes, One of them",
"The version of windows it is running is XP I believe?",
"No it's not", "Well can you boot it for me and tell me what it says",
"Why Yes, it has booted, Commodre 64 version 2.01",
"Click", sadly haven't had to field one since, my Sinclair ZX81 need some love!
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I know you just wanted to help him, and I know that you probably don't know it, but what you said to him COULD possibly be perceived in a negative way. You may just have ruined the poor guys entire day... 
I think you should call him up and apologize! 
Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant
Anonymous
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The problem with quotes on the internet is that you can never tell if they're genuine
Winston Churchill, 1944
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I'd just like a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Me, all the time
modified 2-Mar-16 9:54am.
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sorry dad
veni bibi saltavi
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I agree, call the company where he works and ask for his home number. He surely wouldn't mind someone he doesn't know calling him at home. Maybe give him a tip about his computer, as a general courtesy to make the apology seem more sincere. 
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I've read a story - be it true or not, that someone once got a call like that, but he was running Linux and was jerking the guy who called him around for about 30 minutes until the caller was so angry that he hung up. I have a spare Linux VM since then, just in case anyone calls me.
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I get these calls from time to time. Once when told it was the computer I was using I responded "[REDACTED] me! I didn't know my speccy was connected to the net!"
veni bibi saltavi
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I could never work as a scam artist. Would have started laughing too hard at a response like that.
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Used to do the very thing to very same people - plus any number of their friends working for other scamish things. From my point of view, any business that does cold-call telemarketing is a scammer since the practice is illegal - they've already shown they've no respect for the law. Some now even call cell-phones, breaking yet another law.
One bit of prose you may add - very effective for male callers - is to note that they eat rice with their mothers ... (monthly event) on it. A Korean curse I learned many years ago. Generally, it's shocking enough to halt their dialog (it's rather novel and graphic).
Changed my tact: I now answer the phone to unknown callers with 'Yuh', and if a live person answers I speak only German. They're desperate for me to switch to English or Spanish - get frustrated (quite amusing) and hang up. I've gotten fewer call-backs.
Graphically disgusting, however, is ever so much fun.
| "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits." - Albert Einstein | | "As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error." - Weisert | | "If you are searching for perfection in others, then you seek disappointment. If you are seek perfection in yourself, then you will find failure." - Balboos HaGadol Mar 2010 |
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Not effective enough. I could by some chance be that the caller also speaks German. You should try using Klingon instead...
Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant
Anonymous
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The problem with quotes on the internet is that you can never tell if they're genuine
Winston Churchill, 1944
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I'd just like a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Me, all the time
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I didn't say I was speaking politely.
But as for the Klingon - I don't speak such words - and there's also the worry that (aside from the caller having no life and also speaking Klingon) they'd recognize the language and put me down on the "hopeless nerd" list and I'd get calls from dating services.
| "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits." - Albert Einstein | | "As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error." - Weisert | | "If you are searching for perfection in others, then you seek disappointment. If you are seek perfection in yourself, then you will find failure." - Balboos HaGadol Mar 2010 |
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Your tactic is quite similar to mine, but I can laugh during the call:
when the number is unknown I let my 4 years old daughter to answer, after having set the speaker phone... one of her most favorite nonsense sentences is "Chicken's fife" (as the instrument); the most amusing part is to listen to the guy on the line trying to convince her to give the phone to her daddy or mummy whilst she introduce in the conversation always new "sentences" ... 
'Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.'
Benny Hill
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I used to have a lot of fun with these callers..
"Oh really? You can see my computer from there? Wow, amazing... Windows? Yes, I have windows ME; it's wonderful, it does everything for me. I was telling my aunt she should get a copy, these new versions are no good, apparently you can get viruses from then and I haven't had my flu shots yet. My aunt thought that was unlikely, what do you think? My computer name? I call it The Electro-Mechanical Wonderbar Machine, isn't that a great name?"
...I can go on like that for a loooong time, and have! If you keep talking they can't get a word in edge-ways.
More recently when they say "your computer has a problem", I reply, "Which one has the problem?" ...and they hang up.
- I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code.
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I've had several calls from the likes of him and I must say it is a lot of fun.
Come to think of it I'm about due it's been quite a while.
New version: WinHeist Version 2.2.2 Beta tomorrow (noun): a mystical land where 99% of all human productivity, motivation and achievement is stored.
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Cha-cha? (3,3,3)
I am not a number. I am a ... no, wait!
modified 2-Mar-16 5:53am.
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Cha-Cha-Cha?
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Er ... no! 
I am not a number. I am a ... no, wait!
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Tea for two?
veni bibi saltavi
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