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Little Johnny is working away furiously in the woodwork room when the teacher enters.
"what are you making there, Johnny?" he asks,
"a portable" replies Johnny. The teacher looks puzzled,
"a portable what?".
Johnny replies
"I don't know yet Sir, I've only made the handles!"
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Don't get too carried away... 
Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant
Anonymous
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The problem with quotes on the internet is that you can never tell if they're genuine
Winston Churchill, 1944
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I'd just like a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Me, all the time
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Johnny has a definite future in management.
According to my calculations, I should be able to retire about 5 years after I die.
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We all know what you would of made! 
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians.
Help end the violence EAT BACON
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Collin Jasnoch wrote: Any one know where a downloadable PDF of this[^] is?
Right click, Print, choose a PDF printer. 
There are only 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't.
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The EF version on codeplex is under Apache 2.0. So maybe that's what you need.
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I created one for you. Download it here[^].
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
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There's a license?! 
You'll never get very far if all you do is follow instructions.
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Grown man threaten to leave because not enough fuss was made of his Birthday. He's 31 FFS. He earns more in one week (£200,000) than I do in a year or even 4 years. Yet despite giving him a cake, and singing him Happy Birthday, this was not enough to please him and now he is upset.
In the real world your Boss doesn't give a poo when your Birthday is, and even if he did, you still have to bring in your own cakes. If my Boss paid me 200,000k a week he could forget my name for all I care.
For those of you that don't know what I'm on about here's the context[^]
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Blue Waffler wrote: Grown man
but not adult apparently...
I'm not questioning your powers of observation; I'm merely remarking upon the paradox of asking a masked man who he is. (V)
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To be fair, he does have to work in Manchester so he deserves the danger money.
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If I was hanging out with other millionaires and they celebrated my birthday with a freakin' cake I'd go get wasted and wrap by Mercedes around a light pole. Really, that sort of response is millionaire 101. Get it right next time.
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He was probably expecting oil wells.
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Blue Waffler wrote: Grown man child threaten to leave because not enough fuss was made of his Birthday
FTFY
Did you ever see history portrayed as an old man with a wise brow and pulseless heart, waging all things in the balance of reason?
Is not rather the genius of history like an eternal, imploring maiden, full of fire, with a burning heart and flaming soul, humanly warm and humanly beautiful?
--Zachris Topelius
Training a telescope on one’s own belly button will only reveal lint. You like that? You go right on staring at it. I prefer looking at galaxies.
-- Sarah Hoyt
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Together with those wages, it just goes to show he is indeed a total Banker.
Those who fail to learn history are doomed to repeat it. --- George Santayana (December 16, 1863 – September 26, 1952)
Those who fail to clear history are doomed to explain it. --- OriginalGriff (February 24, 1959 – ∞)
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(C = childish...  )
I woke up this morning to find a lion in my wardrobe.
"What are you doing in there" I asked.
The lion replied: "Narnia business".
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That's actually raised a smile
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Witch book did you get that from?
I guess you expect us to faun over you now...
Those who fail to learn history are doomed to repeat it. --- George Santayana (December 16, 1863 – September 26, 1952)
Those who fail to clear history are doomed to explain it. --- OriginalGriff (February 24, 1959 – ∞)
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The Lion, the witch and the wardrobe?
Ooopss. Sorry. I thought it's MQOTD.
Don't mind those people who say you're not HOT. At least you know you're COOL.
I'm not afraid of falling, I'm afraid of the sudden stop at the end of the fall! - Richard Andrew x64
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A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said....
"OK, I give up. Where's the damn ship?"
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Veni, vidi, vici.
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Old, but funny.
First told after the Titanic sunk I believe.
---------------------------------
Obscurum per obscurius.
Ad astra per alas porci.
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur .
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I forgot to add that Leslie Nielsen was the magician and the cruise ship was the Titanic! 
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