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The economy is so bad:
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
,
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
And, finally….
* I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
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Vivic wrote: When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
I was wondering which decade this came out of. This answered my question.
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Yeah I know you been calling me gringo but now I'm calling you Gringos. I'm going back home to my civilised country, where we don't let dogs run stray in the street. Where we don't run dogs over, but if we accidently do, we pick them up and find their owner, we don't leave them to decay at the side of the road like the three I've seen lying there all week.
Where we drive politely and don't try to kill each other. Where the men don't walk around in white denim hot pants with a dip at the front so your enormous bush of pubes stick out on show. It might only have been one of you, but one is more than enough.
Where we all speak English. You knew I was coming, I filled in an ESTA (I don't care if that's just for the states) you were still forewarned, yet none of your Taxi drivers bothered to learn English. You just looked at me like sh*t because I didn't bother to learn Mexican before I came. Well I did I learn 'Hola' and 'si' because I watched Dora the Explorer. I couldn't be bothered to learn what 'no' was. Which reminds me, if Dora was English she would be taken into care and her Parents thrown in jail.
If I want a drink, or my windshield cleaned, I will do it before I leave, I don't need a 14-year-old boy to ask if I want it done, then do it anyway even though I said no.
Mustaches and chest hair went out in the 70's. And I don't care that you are wearing coats in 25 degree heat and laughing at me because I think it's hot. I hope it's f***ing snowing when I get back to blighty.
You make out your food is too spicy for me, but you don't realise I'm from the home of curry, I can handle it. You give your food all different names,fajitas, tortillas, enchiladas, quesadillas etc but it's all the same - corn bread and meat.
And you know when you thought I was thanking you? I wasn't. I was calling you Grassy-Arse! And pissing myself laughing about in my head.
Anyway tonight is my last night and I apologise whole-heartidly, especially to the yanks, who have had to put up with my drunken posts over the last week. Next week I won't be drunk and I won't be on you time-zone.
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I take it then you were not that taken by your stay there then! 
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Hated every f***ing minute mate. But to be fair it's not Mexico's fault, and my Mexican colleagues have been brilliant, taking me to great restaurants every lunch-time and generally making me feel welcome. I think it's just because I've been away from the missus and kids and am so far away. My mood has improved every day since I got here. I've gone from suicidal on day 1 to actually enjoying myself for the 1st time tonight. The rant above was meant to be taken tongue-in-cheek, I thought refernces like the 'Mexican Language' and such made that clear.
Anyways how are you and your family settling in? A change of life-style like that must have huge consequences on all of you and here's me moaning about a poxy week. I bet your kids are begging to go back for a deep-fried Mars bar.
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Mine are doing good.
I can't believe it is coming up for a year since I landed in Qatar (2weeks time), since the family arrived in August, things have settled down well. They enjoy the schools, the place is great. The wife is starting to find more things to do and people to socialise with while I am offshore. The eldest daughter (11) is probably the the one who is struggling the most, she goes through big highs and lows and is really looking forward to going back to the UK for summer holidays and see some of her pals she is missing.
Still costing me a small fortune to furnish the villa, every time I come back from offshore it is a case of what we buying this month. Last month was 9 seater round garden table and chairs, 4 sun loungers, 2 small longer tables, and a small 2 seater table and chairs/footstools for the main balcony.
I keep thinking I'm ready to buy a new big telly for the place and then along comes some more furniture! (looking at a Samsung 78" 7500series....every time I hit the malls I see it shouting at me)
Both sets of parents were over for Christmas so that was good, and mine are coming back at the end of April for the kids birthdays.
All in all I'm more than happy and not wanting to leave Qatar.....yet, see if I feel the same after a few more years.
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DaveAuld wrote: I can't believe it is coming up for a year since I landed in Qatar
Yet you still haven't set your CP name to Sheik Auld.
DaveAuld wrote: They enjoy the schools, the place is great. The wife is starting to find more things to do and people to socialise with while I am offshore.
That's good.
DaveAuld wrote: The eldest daughter (11) is probably the the one who is struggling the most,
Understandable really, it must be hard for her, most of your life-long friendships are made at this age. She must feel she missing out without realising how good she's actually got it.
DaveAuld wrote: Still costing me a small fortune to furnish the villa, every time I come back from offshore it is a case of what we buying this month. Last month was 9 seater round garden table and chairs, 4 sun loungers, 2 small longer tables, and a small 2 seater table and chairs/footstools for the main balcony.
My heart bleeds for your 1st world problems. must be really difficult.
modified 13-Feb-16 13:56pm.
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PompeyThree wrote: She must feel she missing out without realising how good she's actually got it.
Yep, that's spot on. The youngest daughter she doesn't give two hoots really and has more friends to play with here on the compound than she did back in Aberdeen around the neighbourhood. The eldest one is swapping schools again to the same one as her sister in September and she is wanting to do this as she see it as 'better', so hopefully that will also help.
PompeyThree wrote: 1st world problems. must be really difficult.
Tell me about it! 
PompeyThree wrote: I'll add you on
Ok.
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Kazakhstan welcomes you back !
«In art as in science there is no delight without the detail ... Let me repeat that unless these are thoroughly understood and remembered, all “general ideas” (so easily acquired, so profitably resold) must necessarily remain but worn passports allowing their bearers short cuts from one area of ignorance to another.» Vladimir Nabokov, commentary on translation of “Eugene Onegin.”
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I lived in southern California for 22 years. Enough said. I am not surprised at all that you did not enjoy your stay. I could say more, but the sensitive and PC ones here at the site would be offended.
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Do not, I repeat, do not come to India.
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Lots of men in white denim hot pants? 
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You missed out on a great opportunity. What a shame. 
There are only 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't.
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What great opportunity please explain?
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PompeyThree wrote: What great opportunity please explain?
Too late. You missed it. 
There are only 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't.
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That's a silly answer
And anyway who said I wasn't going back again.
I've always thought they gave you a hard time in soapbox1, please don't prove them right just answer the question.
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Mexico is a great place but you had a terrible attitude. You missed out.
There are only 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't.
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Mexico maybe, Guadalajara not so much. Plus I wasn't there for a Holiday, I was there for work. I arrived late on the Sunday night and flew back early on the Saturday Morning - there was no time to see or do anything else.
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PompeyThree wrote: I couldn't be bothered to learn what 'no' was.
PompeyThree wrote: ... then do it anyway even though I said no.
I'm starting to see a pattern here! 
"These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined."
- Homer
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I was discussing performance with a member of the team Who Will Remain Unnamed. We were going over the various parts of a page load that are slowing things down and we were focussing on Redis calls. We log perf only to the millisecond, so anything under half a millisecond will be reported as 0 seconds
Me: There's a lot of cache calls, but they're all completed in 0ms
Him: Yeah, but all those zeros add up
cheers
Chris Maunder
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Reminds me of the time one of my friends at Purdue wrote a complicated equation on a board (5.5' high and 45' long, the equation filled the whole thing) and challenged people to solve it.
The answer to it? Zero. I was the only person that solved it. Even the maths professors there couldn't get it!
I was kind of a celebrity for a few days afterwards, and the professors were rather embarrassed.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
The metaphorical solid rear-end expulsions have impacted the metaphorical motorized bladed rotating air movement mechanism.
Do questions with multiple question marks annoy you???
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Chicks dig it. 
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