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GeneralRe: Are you aware of the sacrilege committed by Crisco and shortening? Any bakers out there? Pin
jschell22-Nov-23 7:36
jschell22-Nov-23 7:36 
GeneralRe: Are you aware of the sacrilege committed by Crisco and shortening? Any bakers out there? Pin
DerekT-P22-Nov-23 11:58
professionalDerekT-P22-Nov-23 11:58 
GeneralRe: Are you aware of the sacrilege committed by Crisco and shortening? Any bakers out there? Pin
jschell24-Nov-23 2:27
jschell24-Nov-23 2:27 
GeneralRe: Are you aware of the sacrilege committed by Crisco and shortening? Any bakers out there? Pin
charlieg24-Nov-23 3:13
charlieg24-Nov-23 3:13 
GeneralRe: Are you aware of the sacrilege committed by Crisco and shortening? Any bakers out there? Pin
Andy Brummer28-Nov-23 8:57
sitebuilderAndy Brummer28-Nov-23 8:57 
GeneralRe: Are you aware of the sacrilege committed by Crisco and shortening? Any bakers out there? Pin
charlieg2-Dec-23 2:27
charlieg2-Dec-23 2:27 
GeneralDear Paul/OG/Griff/@OriginalGriff Pin
0x01AA20-Nov-23 7:13
mve0x01AA20-Nov-23 7:13 
GeneralRe: Dear Paul/OG/Griff/@OriginalGriff (Probably depressing reading) Pin
OriginalGriff21-Nov-23 0:01
mveOriginalGriff21-Nov-23 0:01 
It's complicated, which is why I haven't been here recently - my mental state isn't too wonderful and in addition to fighting off the Black Cloud my focus is missing - I can cope with small jobs with a defined start and end, but ones that need thinking about aren't too easy at the moment.

Let me run through the history ... Michelle and I first met in a pub, when she hit me in the balls with a pool cue - a few weeks later I got a 2am call that her boyfriend had hit her and she'd got the heck out. I put her up on the couch for a few nights, then we were together almost continually for the next 30+ years. In May 2020 the wonderful NHS gave her Covid (by shipping all long-term patients out of the local hospital into residential homes without doing any covid testing despite having Covid in the hospital) and two days later she had given it to me. You may remember how sick I was at the time, and how long it took me to recover? She got it worse and was eventually diagnosed with Emphysema and Pulmonary Fibrosis which meant she travelled everywhere with an O2 bottle and was allowed up to 2 l/min when she wanted or needed it. In March of this year, she got it again - and gave it to me two days later - and came out of it much worse: ambulances were called, and she was moved to permanent O2 which rose to 5 l/min and finally 10 l/min if she was sleeping / resting with 15 l/min if she was moving or stressed. Even then, her SATs were in the toilet most of the time: resting was in the mid 80's, and a visit to the toilet would drop her into the 40's. To give you an idea what that means, it's how much oxygen is in your blood as a percentage - a hospital SAT monitor goes into alarm mode if it drops to 88 or below.

Basically, I was a full time carer from March onward. The house was filled with oxygen concentrators and large tanks in case of a power cut, and the car with "travel cylinders" which used to last her around 3 1/2 hours each, but now would last under 1/2 hour. I bought her a wheelchair because she had to stop twice and get her breath back just to get from the house to the car even on the full 15 l/min. We were getting on top of it, and a respiratory care team was assembling to back us up.

Then she fell off a chair and broke her arm - knocked the shoulder end ball clean off - ambulance trip to hospital but they couldn't operate to fix it because the breathing problems made a general anesthetic too risky. So she couldn't go upstairs at all, the stairs are too steep and she needed both hands to be safe. She slept sitting up on the sofa so she wouldn't roll over onto it. Took months to heal enough to start using the arm, which had atrophied badly by then, so she had to stay downstairs until physiotherapy could sort that. I was sleeping upstairs in the bedroom and got to understand the "The Police" song[^]

She had a second fall on the 27th October when she tripped over her oxygen line on the way back from the toilet and face planted the floor, broke her nose, blood everywhere, another ambulance because I couldn't lift her safely on my own but she refused point blank to be taken to hospital (as she well knew that Social Services would refuse to let her come home again).

Then at 4am on the 29th I went for a pee and found her on the floor of the bathroom. She was cold; she wasn't breathing; I could find no pulse. Emergency call made, I was instructed to start CPR, which meant first rolling her on her back. This took ages as it's a small bathroom, and a big woman (I will never believe the TV shows when they just lift a corpse and dump it in a car boot - that doesn't happen). 1..2..3..4, 1..2..3..4, 1..2..3..4, ... It seemed like forever that I was trying to get her heart beating but it was probably only 15 minutes before the police arrived and took over while I collapsed in a knackered heap to get my breath back. Ambulance arrived and took over, dragging her out of the bathroom to get better access, but there was nothing they could do either, and undertakers were called to collect her.

Eventually, the house was cleared of people and I was alone in a silent house. It was never silent when Michelle was there: the TV blaring (she was a bit deaf), or her yelling at it; her snoring; her concentrator - there was always noise. I couldn't stay, I had to get out. I found myself on the bridge over the river, just watching the water in the rain. I walked home, but I couldn't open the door because I knew she wouldn't be there. I found myself on the bridge again, and again, and again until Beth next door came out to find out what I was doing as I'd walked past her house a dozen times or so. And that began two days of horrible conversations as I told friends and relatives the news in person or by phone.

The doctor refused to sign off on a natural death (because of the fall on the Friday) so there would have to be a PM and I was in limbo until then. A week ago the PM was done and the coroner was satisfied there was no foul play, so I could register the death and arrange cremation. And I knew what killed her: the PM was pretty clear and listed three causes of death:
1) Cardiomegaly (an enlarged heart, which just stopped)
2) Emphysema and Pulmonary Fibrosis
3) Covid

She is officially a Covid death: it caused the E&PF and the extremely low SATs from that caused her heart to struggle and enlarge. Even if she had called for help to go to the loo (which she needed every time) and hadn't stubbornly decided not to wake me this time there would have been nothing I could have done to change the outcome; no way for anyone to spot the enlarged heart. Doesn't stop me wishing she had yelled for me though.

I didn't eat for four days, I just wasn't hungry. I am still pretty much a mess on the inside, but I'm presenting a reasonable facsimile of a Fully Functional Human Being most of the time. I'm still waking up at 4am and sitting on the floor in the bathroom to talk to her because that's where and when I found her. I've started drinking again, which I know is destructive but it helps me get to sleep. I'm not ready to do anything coding related yet - I can't concentrate enough for that, it's like I have a black cloud over my head and I'm spending all my energy trying to keep it outside. I fall to pieces too easily - it takes very little to get me crying again and the house is full of memories and reminders. I'm probably going to have to talk to the doctor again maybe about antidepressants, counselling, or something - I dunno. I'll think about it.

So ... how are you all?
"I have no idea what I did, but I'm taking full credit for it." - ThisOldTony
"Common sense is so rare these days, it should be classified as a super power" - Random T-shirt
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!

GeneralRe: Dear Paul/OG/Griff/@OriginalGriff (Probably depressing reading) Pin
Rage21-Nov-23 2:24
professionalRage21-Nov-23 2:24 
GeneralRe: Dear Paul/OG/Griff/@OriginalGriff (Probably depressing reading) Pin
Phil J Pearson21-Nov-23 2:25
Phil J Pearson21-Nov-23 2:25 
GeneralRe: Dear Paul/OG/Griff/@OriginalGriff (Probably depressing reading) Pin
rnbergren21-Nov-23 4:04
rnbergren21-Nov-23 4:04 
GeneralRe: Dear Paul/OG/Griff/@OriginalGriff (Probably depressing reading) Pin
Nelek21-Nov-23 9:06
protectorNelek21-Nov-23 9:06 
GeneralRe: Dear Paul/OG/Griff/@OriginalGriff (Probably depressing reading) Pin
theoldfool21-Nov-23 5:08
professionaltheoldfool21-Nov-23 5:08 
GeneralRe: Dear Paul/OG/Griff/@OriginalGriff (Probably depressing reading) Pin
Mircea Neacsu21-Nov-23 6:07
Mircea Neacsu21-Nov-23 6:07 
GeneralRe: Dear Paul/OG/Griff/@OriginalGriff (Probably depressing reading) Pin
Nelek21-Nov-23 9:12
protectorNelek21-Nov-23 9:12 
GeneralRe: Dear Paul/OG/Griff/@OriginalGriff (Probably depressing reading) Pin
0x01AA21-Nov-23 9:55
mve0x01AA21-Nov-23 9:55 
GeneralRe: Dear Paul/OG/Griff/@OriginalGriff (Probably depressing reading) Pin
ChandraRam21-Nov-23 10:23
ChandraRam21-Nov-23 10:23 
GeneralRe: Dear Paul/OG/Griff/@OriginalGriff (Probably depressing reading) Pin
Gary R. Wheeler21-Nov-23 10:27
Gary R. Wheeler21-Nov-23 10:27 
GeneralRe: Dear Paul/OG/Griff/@OriginalGriff (Probably depressing reading) Pin
DerekT-P21-Nov-23 11:34
professionalDerekT-P21-Nov-23 11:34 
GeneralRe: Dear Paul/OG/Griff/@OriginalGriff (Probably depressing reading) Pin
Fergus Donaldson22-Nov-23 4:24
professionalFergus Donaldson22-Nov-23 4:24 
GeneralRe: Dear Paul/OG/Griff/@OriginalGriff (Probably depressing reading) Pin
Craig Robbins27-Nov-23 13:12
Craig Robbins27-Nov-23 13:12 
GeneralRe: Dear Paul/OG/Griff/@OriginalGriff (Probably depressing reading) Pin
Richard MacCutchan2-Dec-23 1:09
mveRichard MacCutchan2-Dec-23 1:09 
GeneralRe: Dear Paul/OG/Griff/@OriginalGriff Pin
Nagy Vilmos29-Nov-23 2:50
professionalNagy Vilmos29-Nov-23 2:50 
GeneralOhh, my aching back! Pin
k505420-Nov-23 6:06
mvek505420-Nov-23 6:06 
GeneralRe: Ohh, my aching back! Pin
Richard MacCutchan20-Nov-23 6:25
mveRichard MacCutchan20-Nov-23 6:25 

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