Unified Extensible Firmware Interface (UEFI) and Logical Volume Manager (LVM) adventures: How upgrading to UEFI resulted in this epic post

This is a work-in-progress… It all started when I found my backup plan lacking in all ways imaginable. To be really honest, I never had one. This is not because I am digitally retarded or lazy (this is debatable) or lack resources. I did not have much to back up.