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Gandhi[^]
Please note this is meant to be funny not offend anyone. 
Mongo: Mongo only pawn... in game of life.
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funny !! Nailed 
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It's The BoyTM's dozenth birthday today.
His list of requested presents was long and expensive!
He's spoiled rotten (well, what the heck!) but we kinda sorta didn't want to give in to getting him everything he wanted...
So this morning he opened his pressies - soccer ball, dressing gown, Minecraft shirt, couple of small toys, chocolate-making kit and my old iPhone.
Seemed quite happy although I think secretly disappointed not to get anything big (the iPhone would have been big, but as it was Dad's 2nd hand one...)
Anyhow - not a word of complaint, all happy.
I can't wait until he gets home from school and finds we bought him an XBox One 
** For those who think we are just plain cruel teasing him like that - yep! You got us! But our excuse is it would have been more cruel to say "Here's your XBox - now time for school!")
PooperPig - Coming Soon
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please adopt me
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Some nostalgia - I got my C64 as a 12th birthday present (my first own computer) and got a day off too...
Skipper: We'll fix it.
Alex: Fix it? How you gonna fix this?
Skipper: Grit, spit and a whole lotta duct tape.
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Reminds me a bit of that youtube video where some kid thought he got an xbox for christmas, but it was just the box filled with clothes or something like that
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My 12th birthday was harmless and did not give my parents much opportunity to tease me like that. That came one year later, when I suddently needed a usable ASCII keyboard (still got it), a 300 baud terminal (long dead, unfortunately), a video monitor (still working!) and, most important, more RAM (still working). My poor parents did not understand a word.
The language is JavaScript. that of Mordor, which I will not utter here
This is Javascript. If you put big wheels and a racing stripe on a golf cart, it's still a f***ing golf cart.
"I don't know, extraterrestrial?"
"You mean like from space?"
"No, from Canada."
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My parents never understood the point. 
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_Maxxx_ wrote: I can't wait until he gets home from school and finds we bought him an XBox One
Kids prefer the PlayStation, though, so you should have got him a PS One.
I wanna be a eunuchs developer! Pass me a bread knife!
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Which kids are they? Round these parts the ps4 is a poor cousin!
PooperPig - Coming Soon
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Yeah, but I couldn't make a joke out of that -- sony has already done it to death.
I wanna be a eunuchs developer! Pass me a bread knife!
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Didn't notice PS 1 - my mind said PS4
That would have been so cool!
PooperPig - Coming Soon
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I think I got a brand new 21-gears bike on my 12th birthday, but I'm not sure... Maybe I just got that because I went to high school (yes, I was/am a spoiled brat too  ).
To be fair, I used that bike to go to school every day, which was about 24 km a day, so it did get a lot of use.
A few years later I got a new bike with 24 gears (which got stolen ), after which I got another bike. And two years ago on my 26th birthday I got yet another bike (and currently riding 26 km a day).
Being a spoiled brat is great, but make sure they keep appreciating what they get and got.
There's just one thing worse than a spoiled brat, which is an unthankful spoiled brat 
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I remember my 12th birthday, scrabbling at the box, trying to get it open, saying to my parents "Come on guys, let me out"...
veni bibi saltavi
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If you were going for cruel teasing, you'd wait until just before departing for an special trip to the skate park before letting him find out about his extra present. 
Did you ever see history portrayed as an old man with a wise brow and pulseless heart, waging all things in the balance of reason?
Is not rather the genius of history like an eternal, imploring maiden, full of fire, with a burning heart and flaming soul, humanly warm and humanly beautiful?
--Zachris Topelius
Training a telescope on one’s own belly button will only reveal lint. You like that? You go right on staring at it. I prefer looking at galaxies.
-- Sarah Hoyt
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You are a cruel and heartless chap! I like it!
PooperPig - Coming Soon
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my parents once bought me for my birthday a pen holder - they made sure to leave the price tag on: £1
When I got home from school that evening I got to open another present, a beautifully written letter from my father saying (to cut a long story short) "I keep my promises, next year keep yours"
I had promised my parents I would clean my room when asked - under the threat of getting a crap birthday present if I didn't.
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Wow! Tough parenting! And look at the name they gave you, too! Bastards!
PooperPig - Coming Soon
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Some examples of Thomas Beecham's legendary, ascerbic wit. Apologies if you already know some (or most) of them.
When he thought his female cello soloist was playing less than adequately, he stopped the orchestra and declared: "Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands, and all you can do is scratch it!"
Once he described the sound of the harpsichord as "two skeletons copulating on a tin roof".
"The British may not like music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes".
"There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn't give a damn what goes on in between."
“Brass bands are all very well in their place – outdoors and several miles away.”
To a musician playing the tuba who made a deep shake on the wrong note: “Thank you, and now would you pull the chain?”
During a stage production of which he was not much of a fan, a live horse had a walk-on part. As it was led onto the stage, the horse defecated, “Gentlemen, that horse is not only an actor, it is also a critic.”
Asked his opinion of a university setting up a chair of musical criticism, “If there is to be a chair for critics, I think it had better be an electric chair.”
Asked if he had ever conducted any Stockhausen, he said, "No, but I once trod in some."
Of Vaughan Williams' Pastoral Symphony: "A city life for me!"
Of Edward Elgar's 1st symphony: "The musical equivalent of the towers of St Pancras Station."
"No operatic star has yet died soon enough for me."
He was once visited in his dressing room after a concert by an attractive young lady admirer. "Sir Thomas" she asked, "I've been a fan of yours for years. I wonder — would you be so kind as to consider being the godfather of my child". "Madam" he replied, "I'd be delighted. But... why bring God into it?"
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The last thing I expected when I cam to the Lounge, this morning, was a bit of culture.
I wanna be a eunuchs developer! Pass me a bread knife!
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Have a cup of yogurt. 
Did you ever see history portrayed as an old man with a wise brow and pulseless heart, waging all things in the balance of reason?
Is not rather the genius of history like an eternal, imploring maiden, full of fire, with a burning heart and flaming soul, humanly warm and humanly beautiful?
--Zachris Topelius
Training a telescope on one’s own belly button will only reveal lint. You like that? You go right on staring at it. I prefer looking at galaxies.
-- Sarah Hoyt
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Just incase you haven't seen this before, I'd like to introduce you to Lenny[^].
It's a telemarketers 'turing test', a bot that waits for silence and then plays the next stage of a recording, people then forward their telemarketing calls through to Lenny and the operators post the calls online.
Some of them are pretty funny.
You can install Lenny on an Asterisk phone system using the instructions here[^], and here's Lenny written in the Lua programming language.[^]
modified 10-Mar-15 18:40pm.
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JMK-NI wrote: It's a telemarketers 'turing test'
Did any pass?
If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time - a tremendous whack.
--Winston Churchill
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This is freaking hilarious. I especially like the ducks!
Life is like a s**t sandwich; the more bread you have, the less s**t you eat.
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