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I was in a very busy Walmart, and I said to this young lady,
'I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?'
She said, 'Sure you can, but how will that help?'
I said, 'I'll bet you anything she'll appear out of nowhere'
For all you married guys...
New version: WinHeist Version Tequila, the nigh time, snuffly, sneezing, how the hell did I end up on the bathroom floor medicine.
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brilliante ! aggiunto un altro termine italiano a mio vocabolario 
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Pizza spaghetti bon giorno! 
Alright, I'm not actually Italian... 
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Almost perfect. 
Brillante! Aggiunto un altro termine italiano al mio vocabolario.
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Absolutly right on
If it's not broken, fix it until it is
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I was in a Big 5 store last weekend, looking at shoes. They had a sale on (imagine that!) and my lady friend needed something warm for her toes. I noticed they had some labelled 'Cross Training' so I asked the young man in that department if I have to cross dress to wear them. The look on his face was priceless, like he was having trouble deciding whether to run or wet his pants.
Happily, Denise and I share the same twisted humor and often read each others' minds, so we have lots of fun in stores, driving the staff to heavy drinking, and leaving customers rolling on the floor. It's never dull... 
Will Rogers never met me.
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I have the same sense of humor and get the same deer in the headlight look quite often. 
New version: WinHeist Version Tequila, the nigh time, snuffly, sneezing, how the hell did I end up on the bathroom floor medicine.
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What really makes me crazy is that it comes so automatically to me and her, without any rehearsal, and I can rarely remember what we said a day later. Some of what we come up with is really outrageous, and should be recorded...
Will Rogers never met me.
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I usually realise I have caused that type of reaction when the wife smacks me around the ear, we RARELY go shopping together. Well I rarely go shopping.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity
RAH
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Now that's a plan.
"If you don't fail at least 90 percent of the time, you're not aiming high enough."
Alan Kay.
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That IS funny, but how can staff not react to that!?
"Well sir, the shoes would certainly come out better!"
"Well sir, if the shoe fits..."
"Well sir, we can surely recommend it for optimal walking pleasure!"
Etc. etc...
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Sander Rossel wrote: how can staff not react to that
It's not in the training manual!
I am not a number. I am a ... no, wait!
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Roger Wright wrote: Cross Training
Or "Anger Management", as it's usually known.
"These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined."
- Homer
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USD to CAD is now at 1.43. Not bad
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And I thought, that's because Chris buy the beers...
Skipper: We'll fix it.
Alex: Fix it? How you gonna fix this?
Skipper: Grit, spit and a whole lotta duct tape.
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Chris is quite likely pissed off because CAD to AUD is now 1 : 1
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He is meant to be coming to Oz to have drink with me.
Reckon he snuck in and out without telling me.
Michael Martin
Australia
"I controlled my laughter and simple said "No,I am very busy,so I can't write any code for you". The moment they heard this all the smiling face turned into a sad looking face and one of them farted. So I had to leave the place as soon as possible."
- Mr.Prakash One Fine Saturday. 24/04/2004
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Maybe you should pay him a surprise visit to Toronto?
Ravi Bhavnani did that to me once. I was working for CP back then, this guy somehow bypasses security (not surprising, they probably thought a very visible geek/nerd couldn't do much harm), walks right to where I am sitting and says, "Hey Nish, what's up?" - not even saying his name yet, I am somehow supposed to figure out who he is based on his 20 year old profile pic on CP (from when he was still pre-middle-age). Good times though! CG was there that week, so Ravi, CG, Tim D, Smitha and I hung out in and around downtown Toronto.
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Sadly, I can never again in my life visit Canadia. I got popped for a DUI 22 years ago, and though the law here requires that records be expunged after 10 years, the US Gestapo doesn't actually do so, and they share the illegally retained information with the Canucks. I've known a number of folks who had the family vacation ruined at the border, turned back by the Red Coats for an ancient and forgotten infraction.
Will Rogers never met me.
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Interesting, I never knew that a past DUI offence would be something that'd affect entry into Canada.
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A conviction for just about anything beyond a misdemeanor will make border crossing problematic in much of the world.
Your home country will eventually forgive you and let you out of prison; but border guards have their sense of humor surgically extracted before starting work.
Did you ever see history portrayed as an old man with a wise brow and pulseless heart, waging all things in the balance of reason?
Is not rather the genius of history like an eternal, imploring maiden, full of fire, with a burning heart and flaming soul, humanly warm and humanly beautiful?
--Zachris Topelius
Training a telescope on one’s own belly button will only reveal lint. You like that? You go right on staring at it. I prefer looking at galaxies.
-- Sarah Hoyt
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I thought you were going to say that Harp seals are in season...
Will Rogers never met me.
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Bring your own bat.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity
RAH
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