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Would she be Anna without these picadilos? Would you want her to change and conform to the standards of your rosey cheeked social circle?
And remember, nobody is even almost perfect, everybody has their picadilos hiding inside, even your perfect friends 
regards,
Paul Watson
Bluegrass
South Africa
Christopher Duncan quoted:
"...that would require my explaining Einstein's Fear of Relatives"
Crikey! ain't life grand?
Einstein says...
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Paul Watson wrote:
Would you want her to change and conform to the standards of your rosey cheeked social circle?
Hey! 
Anna's been the "odd one out" in this group for a long time, one of her exes is among them, 2 more in the "wider vincinity".
Though the obvious answer is "no", it's not that easy.
Sure, it's what she is and how she does what I always liked about her, but there are things that are quite different for us. Sex means something different for her than for me, A kiss, the whole banana... I still believe it probably wouldn't work out long term - but still I'm hellbent on trying 
The recent months "with" her already made me much more relaxed in a sense, i.e. we can talk about things that would have made me run away screaming just a year ago. I wonder if this is just about her or in general.
The more I was a shocked about my friends about the feelings that appeared lately about 'Anna and guys'. "Conservative", to say the least. And I'm not sure if they're just have it to cozy, or I am glorifying, excusing Anna.
Paul Watson wrote:
everybody has their picadilos hiding inside, even your perfect friends
It's not the "perfect" thing just... live gives them a fairly smooth vanilla ride, with the usual bumps and detours, but far from this cross-country-rodeo thing.
But hey, how came minced meat into the question????
Flirt harder, I'm a coder.
mlog || Agile Programming | doxygen
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What do you mean by 'Anna and guys' ?
>vanilla ride, with the usual bumps and detours, but far from this cross-country-rodeo thing.
A good old rodeo life is so much better than a bland vanilla life.
regards,
Paul Watson
Bluegrass
South Africa
Christopher Duncan quoted:
"...that would require my explaining Einstein's Fear of Relatives"
Crikey! ain't life grand?
Einstein says...
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well..
If you asked the others, "how many gf/bf did you have?", the count is 1..3 for almost all (and the one "restless" is now well-married)
Anna comes in notably higher, she's the type that moves in with a guy after 4 weeks (for the others half a year feels "ok", two of them it took over 3 years), she is very "body-intense" when greeting etc. (if you take my meaning), when things crash and she splits up (which makes her feel desparate), she's out and hunting againt after one or two month.
OTOH I've seen her stay in a dead relationship for half a year (and no sex, which *is* a problem for her), she's not the type that picks up the guy and kicks him out of bed the next morning (or at least, these times are long gone - if ever). She is looking for something serious, though she stays in even when she feels it's not forever.
ok ok, maybe too much information - but that's a thing I've been trying to grasp for years (ok, for month, intensely) 
I wouldn't call the others lifes "bland", but vanilla, straigher, less rough - yes. 
And you want to travel with her
And you want to travel blind
.
mlog || Agile Programming | doxygen
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Ahhh, I get a bit of it now. Yes, lusting after a woman like that when your "values" seem different can be... strange. It can also be godamned frustrating.
You could be a stabilising influence or she could destabilise you. Or, you two could balance each other out nicely, learning about different ways in life and meeting in the middle.
Either way, a rodeo! It's good to be alive to experience these things, no? Even if they hurt.
regards,
Paul Watson
Bluegrass
South Africa
Christopher Duncan quoted:
"...that would require my explaining Einstein's Fear of Relatives"
Crikey! ain't life grand?
Einstein says...
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The worst thing life could play on me (and I know my luck with these things):
He's the one she stays with, settles down with. The more beautiful the little time we spend together, the more pain I have to stand the rest of the day, of the week.
Yet, I am trapped: being in love means for me also: all women are more beautiful. Doubly so when coming home from a long trip to saxony, known for it's beautiful girls. Another doubly for spring time. So I'm surounded by chances, offers, possibilities - yet I cannot take any of them. Lord, you screwed up here.
Flirt harder, I'm a Coder
mlog || Agile Programming | doxygen
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Ascension day: usually, you leave your ladies behind, and do a guys day.
Some ladies don't stay at home, though.
He knows what I'm up to, being nutty about me meeting AnnA, each SMS I send her, each phone call.
I know that they are not forever.
She knows what's going on, she's maximizing her benefits, which would make every other girl a "no go" for me.
Ascension day: He's away, doing his drinking stuff, she already told me "he'll be very much pissed off when I tell him afterwards". He called in the morning, before she started, she more or less cut him off.
Most beautiful Ascension day I can remember.
We're not keeping it secret, we drop by at her place, where her family can see us in bright daylight. Yet, the way he learns is ugly: AnnA wants to send me a message the evening, saying "thank you for the beautiful day" - yet something goes wrong, next day she gets a call from him: "my name is not peter". Ugh... to think that he's working out with 100 pound weights 
I can't face her and say: "I know you have someone, could you please kick him out before I tell you how much I love you?" I have no feelings for him, yet I couldn't cheat him even if the situation arises.
fcuk
we are here to help each other get through this thing, whatever it is Vonnegut jr.
sighist || Agile Programming | doxygen
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How things end
Friday 17th.
She tries to save something that now seems broken from the very beginning, and this may well include the beginning 13 years ago. It is a magic evening, could have been so sweet if not for my bitterness.
When it's time to say goodbye, she sees that I am unhappy, and tries to cheer me up, maybe just so she can go. I tell her I won't stand this any longer. There was a moment where I could have chickened out - all that makes me say is: It could well go on for another year.
I still love her, I miss her, I am afraid of cycling to work and home: because it means 15 minutes with my thoughts. I feel like a fool, I feel cheated, I feel like I broke it, I feel like I betrayed her. My emotions are dancing in circles. (Insanity just seems mood swings so fast that others can't follow anymore).
Friends... if you can't decide between anger and guilt, a "Congratulations" doesn't make it better. My friends know about Anna what they do know, and draw their conclusions. Yes, from their point it was about time, it is the "best" for me. But I feel let down: neither her nor me gets the benefit of doubt, Anna being the bitch, me being the fool. I am beyond "better".
What finally broke me: She started to hide things from me. Important things. Yes, I told her once that it depends on her if she still can tell the things she used to tell. But I also told her that her openness was important to me.
It doesn't feel like being cheated once. Every memory, every beautiful moment, every heartbeat we spent together now seems staged, fake, just for her convenience. Brazil, Scene 154.
My life is full of memories of her, of being with her. Not a day some thing catches my eye, some word catches my ear, that flashes me back to a moment with her. I want to call her, see her. Yet, I am afraid that she's just fine. I am afraid that I pushed "that other AnnA" further, deeper into it's shell than she ever was before. I am afraid it starts all over again (yes mommy, please, just another breakfast with her, just as friends). I am afraid of meeting her again when all this doesn't mean anything to either of us. I'm feeling sick, angry, yucky, unbearable. For the first time in m life, I lost my fundamental, primal trust, that this whole thing, life, universe, rest, makes sense, that there is structure, reason, plan in the chaos, as twisted weird and ugly as it may be.
void
I never really know a killer from a savior
boost your code || Fold With Us! || sighist | doxygen
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This is really good stuff. Maybe this is how Lawrence Durrell would write if he knew about vtables. I feel very impressed and inspired to write myself after reading this. This needs to be expanded and become a book like right now. Beautiful. Thanks Peter.
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OK folks, I'm sick of being attacked for generalizations. Here's a basic course in statistics, based on the all-familiar six-sided dice. If you didn't read, or understand it, I'l label you, your family, and your nation moronic everytime you complain about a generalization.
But to start, I give you some things to fight against.
OK now for the statistics: assuming we have a perfect, six-sided die.
The average result of a die roll is 3.5.
What does this mean? The "average" is not necessarily a valid sample - no die roll will result in 3.5 eyes (unless your dice are scratched).
Still, the average is a meaningful value - rolling 100 dice, and adding up the eyes, gives a value roughly around 350. You can get 100, or 600 - but only on very lucky days. If you always score above 500, maybe you should be careful who you invite for the match (so, see, the average can save your life - and: The average gives clues about the individual samples.)
"Der Geist des Kriegers ist erwacht / Ich hab die Macht" StS
sighist | Agile Programming | doxygen
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So should I bet on 4 or 3 when playing dice games? Come on man, makes stats useful.
regards,
Paul Watson
Bluegrass
South Africa
Miszou wrote:
I have read the entire internet. on how boring his day was.
Crikey! ain't life grand?
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So when are we getting a new Peterchen's Love Life diary entry? I regularly check back here for an update 
regards,
Paul Watson
Bluegrass
South Africa
Anna-Jayne Metcalfe wrote:
"Cynicism has it's place in life - but it should be kept well away from your inner self."
Crikey! ain't life grand?
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Ah you bastard 
I started to blog this stuff (in german  )- but only since it feels the most natural way of keeping a diary for me.
The short version is: not well, but I'm coping...
I'm kind of getting back the sh*t I was dishing out in summer. So it seems only fair, if this is an applicable concept 
"Vierteile den, der sie Hure schimpft mit einem türkischen Säbel."
mlog || Agile Programming | doxygen
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Another reason to learn German then
Hope it pans out Peter. Good will follow bad as bad will follow good.
regards,
Paul Watson
Bluegrass
South Africa
Anna-Jayne Metcalfe wrote:
"Cynicism has it's place in life - but it should be kept well away from your inner self."
Crikey! ain't life grand?
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Ok... So. A little off topic.
When Ulla saw your name on CP she immediatly said that "That person is German", just from your CP name.
So... peterchen... what is it.. your name, a mixture of your name and something else, your surname?
Regards,
Brian Dela
http://www.briandela.com[^] IE 6 required.
MFC.NET Application Wizard[^] Mix .NET and MFC easily.
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It's the dimunitive, like the "-ito" in spanish. Nothing like that in English...
"Vierteile den, der sie Hure schimpft mit einem türkischen Säbel."
mlog || Agile Programming | doxygen
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After switching my laylist, browsing CP for some new articles, this old friend caught me.
This one goes out to the one I love / This one goes out to the one I left behind
Suddenly, the regret, and the self-accusation are over me again. bad thing late at night, in a messy, sweltry apartment. Nothing worth to keep, but this was the first place to write it down.
This one: To the one I love.
"Der Geist des Kriegers ist erwacht / Ich hab die Macht" StS
sighist | Agile Programming | doxygen
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What have you to be accused of?
Paul Watson
Bluegrass
Cape Town, South Africa
Crikey! ain't life grand?
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Running away when I should have stayed.
Not fighting for it after realizing how much it meant to me.
It's been a long time ago, mostly it's just a partofmy past.
And no, nothing about Firenze
"Dor säggsische Dialeggt eechnet sich wie keeen onderor für den Ausdrugg zäärdlischor Gefiehle."
sighist | Agile Programming | doxygen
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peterchen wrote:
Running away when I should have stayed.
Not fighting for it after realizing how much it meant to me.
Ahh, things I imagine most of us can sympathise with. And you can add; Only realising later that she liked you too.
And contrary to popular belief... it does not get easier with time.
Paul Watson
Bluegrass
Cape Town, South Africa
Crikey! ain't life grand?
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Paul Watson wrote:
it does not get easier with time.
I know - nine years have told me :big grin:
it's a bunch of beautiful memories I couldn't throw awy anyway.
"Dor säggsische Dialeggt eechnet sich wie keeen onderor für den Ausdrugg zäärdlischor Gefiehle."
sighist | Agile Programming | doxygen
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It feels weird posting here - but the one friend I would want to talk with is away in Vienna, and in unsure maritial status, so it's a bit late to call - and then I remembered this post.
I got a phone number and an e-mail: I'm in town tomorrow till thursday. If you have time and want to meet, just call
I'ts been 12 years since. I feel weird. Really weirded out weird. So weirded out weird it even feels weird of thinking how weirded out I am.
And since I'm a geek, I post on that a message board
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- If it is free, and comes with advertisment, it's advertisement, but not free
- If it's free, and it's crap, it's free crap.
- If it's free and doesn't come with religion or propaganda, it's probably beer.
- The world is not fair. See, how could it be more fair than you make it?
- The world is full of marvels, every second contains a microchip
- Don't explain as malice what can be explained as stupidity. Really, your paranoia is so yesterday.
- Just because you can doesn't mean you have to. It's your choice, after all.
- If it's cheap, you get what you pay for. Do you want to buy cheap, or do you need it?
- The average rolle of a die is 3.5
to be continued...
"Der Geist des Kriegers ist erwacht / Ich hab die Macht" StS
sighist | Agile Programming | doxygen
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