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A surprisingly fresh approach to the classic
"Can I has the codez?" 
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SO out here in deepest darkest rural France, we have septic tanks, yes, that invention from the 12th century.
Every two years it needs emptying.
SO you dig back the soil to expose the cover, and lift the concrete lid on the very bowels of hell. The stench is quite overwhelming, the image something of the foulest nature you can not describe.
But a guy comes round in a big truck and sucks the thing empty.
Its got the be the shittiest job ever! 
(Anyway, I always give the guy s big tip. Anyone prepared to come round my house and suck 2 years worth of my turds out of a hole in the ground is worth an inestimable amount of money.)
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We had a septic tank in rural(ish) New England, but I never recall it needing to be emptied (fortunately).
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Weird. THe bacteria breaks it down (we need to add packets of the stuff every month), the liquid disperses through a soak away, and the solids build up.
Are you sure yours didnt just empty into a ditch somewhere?
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We've been in the same rural property for 20 year and only had the septic tank emptied once. It can depends on the many factors, but the main one is the soil and water table levels and what you put down it.
Normally we can tell it needs emptying by the smell (it shouldn't). Also ensure youre not putting chlorine cleaning products down it as it will kill the tanks bacteria. Only once had to put any bacteria additives in it and if the problems not to bad you can just use yogurt.
Sh*t at work I say.. 
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THis is a plastic tank set in the ground, it isnt a hole in the ground filled with rocks, like old tanks are. Its to keep the water table cleaner, so its kind of like a min treatment plant, so the solid build up and hence need emptying.
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The principle is the same. Ours is a concrete tank with 3 lines that draw away the water and broken down waste. ( and the fruit trees at the end of the lines love it and flourish)
A healthy tank should should not need frequent cleaning. Maybe it's a bit blocked before it gets to the waste lines? Some of the newer ones here have filters and a small pump.
The water table can have an effect on back filing from the lines. A friend had to have his cleaned every two years because it kept flooding...the pipe should run slightly downhill.
As I said before avoid bleached based cleaning products as they can easily kill a healthy tank..
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It is very dry here, so no problem with it draining away. HOwever wifey does insist on using non septic tank friendly cleaners, it is probably that that is killing the natural breakdown of the solids. I'll have words with her! 
Having said that I read up to check, and there is a lot of talkk on the net of needing emptying from time to time.
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I'm also in New England. If you have a properly designed leach field to disperse the liquids, the tank is sized properly, and you avoid putting oils and non-biodegradable items down the drain, it could easily last 20 years or more.
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Hmmm. The house was built in 1962 and we got connected to the town sewer system about twenty years later.
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We're on mains sewage, but about a year after we moved in it blocked, and overflowed. Lifted the cover and yes, the stench was hideous. I tried to rod it, but ended up calling in an expert who did the job very nicely. Turns out the cover was about 2m above the pipe, so the whole 1m x 1m x 2 m column was full... destroyed my last hazmat suit jet washing the patio, and it took 3 or four long hot showers before I couldn't smell it any more. 
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!
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OriginalGriff wrote: took 3 or four long hot showers before I couldn't smell it any more
It clings does it not? Takes about a day to get the stench out of your lungs! Foul work.
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I think the worst bit was that you could taste it without it going anywhere near your mouth ... I now check that cover every couple of months so I don't have to do that again.
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!
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Quite, it is a very lingering odour.
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Not sure a working septic tank should need emptying - you don't suppose he is just taking the piss?
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When my parents had a septic system installed, they were told that a properly installed septic system, sized for the population in the house, should never need to be emptied. The tank should be large enough to allow the contents to fully dissolve before being discharged.
Then, the drainage lines should be configured to allow the contents to dissolve into the ground.
If the ground isn't porous enough, the lines can become clogged and cause a backup.
I've been in my current residence since 1999, but the system was installed in 1973; based on the size of the hardwood trees surrounding it and the ground not being disturbed, the tank has never been emptied.
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That tank is either tiny, or you poop more than your fare share.
I've lived all my life out in the country, we're all on septic tanks, and nobody around here ever has to get their tank emptied more than once every 20 years or so, for the average 4-person household.
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Interesting. I remember growing up in Alaska, that my dad would, every year, take a 1/4 stick of dynamite (it was legal to buy in a hardware store then), put it on a string and pop it off in the septic tank near the bottom. We lived in that house for almost 30 years and never needed a septic sucker guy to come and clean it out ever.
A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, navigate a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects! - Lazarus Long
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stoneyowl2 wrote: I remember growing up in Alaska, that my dad would, every year, take a 1/4 stick of dynamite (it was legal to buy in a hardware store then), put it on a string and pop it off in the septic tank near the bottom.
I think I read the most American sentence ever. 
* CALL APOGEE, SAY AARDWOLF
* GCS d--- s-/++ a- C++++ U+++ P- L- E-- W++ N++ o+ K- w+++ O? M-- V? PS+ PE- Y+ PGP t++ 5? X R++ tv-- b+ DI+++ D++ G e++>+++ h--- ++>+++ y+++* Weapons extension: ma- k++ F+2 X
* Never pay more than 20 bucks for a computer game.
* I'm a puny punmaker.
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Apart from relocating the contents over the garden, what is that supposed to achieve? 
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Precisely this. They call it 'fertilizing' over there.
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My dad told me that it knocked the 'stuff' off the walls of the septic tank so the water could percolate through to the leach field of gravel
A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, navigate a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects! - Lazarus Long
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Ah, OK, I see. It unblocks the soakaway. Must be an old style septic tank, ie a hole fullof rocks.
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I think it was a wooden log 'crate' about 6 feet to a side, buried in the back yard. When we went on city sewer, it was required that it be destroyed and filled in so it would not cause a big hole later.
A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, navigate a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects! - Lazarus Long
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