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How things end
Friday 17th.
She tries to save something that now seems broken from the very beginning, and this may well include the beginning 13 years ago. It is a magic evening, could have been so sweet if not for my bitterness.
When it's time to say goodbye, she sees that I am unhappy, and tries to cheer me up, maybe just so she can go. I tell her I won't stand this any longer. There was a moment where I could have chickened out - all that makes me say is: It could well go on for another year.
I still love her, I miss her, I am afraid of cycling to work and home: because it means 15 minutes with my thoughts. I feel like a fool, I feel cheated, I feel like I broke it, I feel like I betrayed her. My emotions are dancing in circles. (Insanity just seems mood swings so fast that others can't follow anymore).
Friends... if you can't decide between anger and guilt, a "Congratulations" doesn't make it better. My friends know about Anna what they do know, and draw their conclusions. Yes, from their point it was about time, it is the "best" for me. But I feel let down: neither her nor me gets the benefit of doubt, Anna being the bitch, me being the fool. I am beyond "better".
What finally broke me: She started to hide things from me. Important things. Yes, I told her once that it depends on her if she still can tell the things she used to tell. But I also told her that her openness was important to me.
It doesn't feel like being cheated once. Every memory, every beautiful moment, every heartbeat we spent together now seems staged, fake, just for her convenience. Brazil, Scene 154.
My life is full of memories of her, of being with her. Not a day some thing catches my eye, some word catches my ear, that flashes me back to a moment with her. I want to call her, see her. Yet, I am afraid that she's just fine. I am afraid that I pushed "that other AnnA" further, deeper into it's shell than she ever was before. I am afraid it starts all over again (yes mommy, please, just another breakfast with her, just as friends). I am afraid of meeting her again when all this doesn't mean anything to either of us. I'm feeling sick, angry, yucky, unbearable. For the first time in m life, I lost my fundamental, primal trust, that this whole thing, life, universe, rest, makes sense, that there is structure, reason, plan in the chaos, as twisted weird and ugly as it may be.
void
I never really know a killer from a savior boost your code || Fold With Us! || sighist | doxygen
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This is really good stuff. Maybe this is how Lawrence Durrell would write if he knew about vtables. I feel very impressed and inspired to write myself after reading this. This needs to be expanded and become a book like right now. Beautiful. Thanks Peter.
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OK folks, I'm sick of being attacked for generalizations. Here's a basic course in statistics, based on the all-familiar six-sided dice. If you didn't read, or understand it, I'l label you, your family, and your nation moronic everytime you complain about a generalization.
But to start, I give you some things to fight against.
OK now for the statistics: assuming we have a perfect, six-sided die.
The average result of a die roll is 3.5.
What does this mean? The "average" is not necessarily a valid sample - no die roll will result in 3.5 eyes (unless your dice are scratched).
Still, the average is a meaningful value - rolling 100 dice, and adding up the eyes, gives a value roughly around 350. You can get 100, or 600 - but only on very lucky days. If you always score above 500, maybe you should be careful who you invite for the match (so, see, the average can save your life - and: The average gives clues about the individual samples.)
"Der Geist des Kriegers ist erwacht / Ich hab die Macht" StS
sighist | Agile Programming | doxygen
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So should I bet on 4 or 3 when playing dice games? Come on man, makes stats useful.
regards,
Paul Watson
Bluegrass
South Africa
Miszou wrote:
I have read the entire internet. on how boring his day was.
Crikey! ain't life grand?
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So when are we getting a new Peterchen's Love Life diary entry? I regularly check back here for an update
regards,
Paul Watson
Bluegrass
South Africa
Anna-Jayne Metcalfe wrote:
"Cynicism has it's place in life - but it should be kept well away from your inner self."
Crikey! ain't life grand?
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Ah you bastard
I started to blog this stuff (in german )- but only since it feels the most natural way of keeping a diary for me.
The short version is: not well, but I'm coping...
I'm kind of getting back the sh*t I was dishing out in summer. So it seems only fair, if this is an applicable concept
"Vierteile den, der sie Hure schimpft mit einem türkischen Säbel."
mlog || Agile Programming | doxygen
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Another reason to learn German then
Hope it pans out Peter. Good will follow bad as bad will follow good.
regards,
Paul Watson
Bluegrass
South Africa
Anna-Jayne Metcalfe wrote:
"Cynicism has it's place in life - but it should be kept well away from your inner self."
Crikey! ain't life grand?
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Ok... So. A little off topic.
When Ulla saw your name on CP she immediatly said that "That person is German", just from your CP name.
So... peterchen... what is it.. your name, a mixture of your name and something else, your surname?
Regards,
Brian Dela
http://www.briandela.com[^] IE 6 required. MFC.NET Application Wizard[^] Mix .NET and MFC easily.
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It's the dimunitive, like the "-ito" in spanish. Nothing like that in English...
"Vierteile den, der sie Hure schimpft mit einem türkischen Säbel."
mlog || Agile Programming | doxygen
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After switching my laylist, browsing CP for some new articles, this old friend caught me.
This one goes out to the one I love / This one goes out to the one I left behind
Suddenly, the regret, and the self-accusation are over me again. bad thing late at night, in a messy, sweltry apartment. Nothing worth to keep, but this was the first place to write it down.
This one: To the one I love.
"Der Geist des Kriegers ist erwacht / Ich hab die Macht" StS
sighist | Agile Programming | doxygen
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What have you to be accused of?
Paul Watson Bluegrass Cape Town, South Africa
Crikey! ain't life grand?
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Running away when I should have stayed.
Not fighting for it after realizing how much it meant to me.
It's been a long time ago, mostly it's just a partofmy past.
And no, nothing about Firenze
"Dor säggsische Dialeggt eechnet sich wie keeen onderor für den Ausdrugg zäärdlischor Gefiehle."
sighist | Agile Programming | doxygen
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peterchen wrote:
Running away when I should have stayed.
Not fighting for it after realizing how much it meant to me.
Ahh, things I imagine most of us can sympathise with. And you can add; Only realising later that she liked you too.
And contrary to popular belief... it does not get easier with time.
Paul Watson Bluegrass Cape Town, South Africa
Crikey! ain't life grand?
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Paul Watson wrote:
it does not get easier with time.
I know - nine years have told me :big grin:
it's a bunch of beautiful memories I couldn't throw awy anyway.
"Dor säggsische Dialeggt eechnet sich wie keeen onderor für den Ausdrugg zäärdlischor Gefiehle."
sighist | Agile Programming | doxygen
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It feels weird posting here - but the one friend I would want to talk with is away in Vienna, and in unsure maritial status, so it's a bit late to call - and then I remembered this post.
I got a phone number and an e-mail: I'm in town tomorrow till thursday. If you have time and want to meet, just call
I'ts been 12 years since. I feel weird. Really weirded out weird. So weirded out weird it even feels weird of thinking how weirded out I am.
And since I'm a geek, I post on that a message board
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- If it is free, and comes with advertisment, it's advertisement, but not free
- If it's free, and it's crap, it's free crap.
- If it's free and doesn't come with religion or propaganda, it's probably beer.
- The world is not fair. See, how could it be more fair than you make it?
- The world is full of marvels, every second contains a microchip
- Don't explain as malice what can be explained as stupidity. Really, your paranoia is so yesterday.
- Just because you can doesn't mean you have to. It's your choice, after all.
- If it's cheap, you get what you pay for. Do you want to buy cheap, or do you need it?
- The average rolle of a die is 3.5
to be continued...
"Der Geist des Kriegers ist erwacht / Ich hab die Macht" StS
sighist | Agile Programming | doxygen
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peterchen wrote:
If it's free and doesn't come with religion or propaganda, it's probably beer.
Free beer???? WHERE?!?!?!?
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peterchen wrote:
The average rolle of a die is 3.5
So if the first throw is 5 then according to the average law the second throw should be 2.
"When death smiles at you, only thing you can do is smile back at it" - Russel Crowe (Gladiator)
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having seen 1st part 2x, 2nd part 1x, and the first animatrix strip, just thoughts:
1) Agent Smith / Judas
(If you'd asked me who I'd would like to play in the matrix - it's him.)
To stick with the Religous Theme - is Smith a kind of Judas? He's adversary to the One, yet, without him, the One couldn't fulfil his destiny
* Without Judas betrying Jesus, Jesus wouldn't have been crucified, raised from the dead, ascended to heaven. He would have remained yet another prophet.
* Without Smith attacking hinm in the "forbidden level", Neo would have gone through the door too early. Whatever the door really is, Neo would not have met the architect. (Architect=Creator, next door with white light = death. See the pattern?)
2) Animatrix - 01 = Zion?
To remian wiht the allusions - Animatrix says "the machines founded 01 in the cradle of humanity". Zero-One == ZION?
3) The Zion Thing/ H2G2
OK what's up with the ZION thing? Is Neo inside the Matrix / Another matrix / outside when he stop the sentinels?
It did remind me of the Hitchhikers Guide: When Zaphod leaves the building to go into that thingie that shows him in relation to the universe... He leaves through the window instead of the door, so he actually remains inside the "matrix". There is a Zion outside, and there is a Zion inside. Just an idea.
Another thing: The "hidden level" - appeared in Part V of H2G2 as well.
4) The Merowinger - why did he have a French accent? Catering for the US citizens looking for an enemy? Or was it filmed before and is it just a coincidence?
5) Neo foresaw Smith "Jacking out". So yes, maybe the "traitor of Zion" is Smith. He's already there... The real one? The Matrixed one?
"Der Geist des Kriegers ist erwacht / Ich hab die Macht" StS
sighist | Agile Programming | doxygen
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peterchen wrote:
1) Agent Smith / Judas
hmm... you can make a case for it, but i don't think there's a one-to-one, at least nothing so obvious as with Cypher in the first one. The case seems to be made for Smith as a sort of Anti-Neo, opposed, but in a similar situation and with a of dependency or link...
peterchen wrote:
2) Animatrix - 01 = Zion?
I hadn't thought of this, but i like it a lot!
peterchen wrote:
4) The Merowinger - why did he have a French accent?
'Cause French villains are cool, and haven't been overdone as much as German villains.
peterchen wrote:
So yes, maybe the "traitor of Zion" is Smith.
Ya, that seems pretty obvious.
Shog9
So much he don't understand,
Just might never make it to a man...
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Shog9 wrote:
at least nothing so obvious as with Cypher i
Maybe this is just my personal "Judas" image, but seeing him as the canonical, plain "traitor" is a bit weak. He played his part (much as the keymaker, the oracle..) That makes Smith more Judas than Cypher. (BTW. there are some nice Judas interpretations - even Jesus asking Judas to betray him so the revelations are fulfilled)
Shog9 wrote:
Ya, that seems pretty obvious.
Well, took me a while
"Der Geist des Kriegers ist erwacht / Ich hab die Macht" StS
sighist | Agile Programming | doxygen
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peterchen wrote:
He played his part (much as the keymaker, the oracle..)
Yes, however remember - Judas was never concious of his true role. As far as he was concerned, he was jumping ship, getting out while he still could. That he was being used by The Powers That Be was irrelevant to him; that his treachery was fulfilling a role in some Greater Plan was unknown to him. While this might be made to fit in with the image of [wosname, the guy that was possessed by Smith & then left The Matrix], it seems too narrow for Smith himself (IMHO).
Smith is the rebel, driven by, and a prisoner to his own agenda. He can be anywhere, take over the bodies and minds of those he chooses (though they may fight him, and with help resist). He can get hit by a train and still come out with a straight tie and crisp collar. He hates humanity with a passion...
Shog9
So much he don't understand,
Just might never make it to a man...
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